Another summer, another all-expenses-paid vacation for Mr. Adam Sandler. The paradisian locale this time round: the sun-soaked planes of South Africa, where ostriches can be ridden, where the animals roam free on safari, and where a paragliding Drew Barrymore can almost have her lady parts impaled by the horn of a passing rhinoceros. Yep, Sandler’s dragged Barrymore along with him, presumably in some desperate attempt to recall fond memories of their easy, funny chemistry in 1998’s “The Wedding Singer” -- y’know, back in that long, forgotten time when his films were still serviceable. Unfortunately, although some of that “Wedding Singer” spark still burns bright, new rom-com “Blended” falls straight in line with Sandler’s more recent crimes against cinema, and despite the title, I’m sorry to report that at no point does it feature Sandler being chucked into an oversized electric mixing machine.
Fittingly, the film opens with the image of a toilet: in the bathroom of a Hooters restaurant (ka-ching!), single mum Barrymore calls her babysitter to help pull the plug on her disastrous blind date by using the old emergency call trick; only, when she returns to single dad Sandler, he pulls the same trick first. Then, for reasons that are not at all contrived and completely convincing, Sandler and Barrymore -- get this, right -- end up going on the exact same trip to the exact same South African family resort at the exact same time -- awkward! For much of the rest of the film we’re treated with a lengthy tourist board advertisement for an African holiday, as both families gasp at the amazing wildlife, gaze at the gorgeous vistas and gawk at the mating CGI rhinos. All the while the bickering Sandler and Barrymore begin to romantically bond. Note: romantic bonding may or may not include them realising to their shock that they take their coffee the same way.
As usual, Sandler can’t resist giving his acting buddies some pointless cameos: Kevin Nealon plays a creepy dad with a boob-jiggling girlfriend, Jonathan Loughran pops up as a googly-eyed Little League umpire, and Allen Covert returns as 10-Second Tom from “50 First Dates” -- that classic character. Oh, and Shaq’s in it too, playing Sandler’s temperamental co-worker -- I swear, it’s his finest performance since “Kazaam.” Also as usual, there's a discomforting stench of racism and sexism hanging in the air, with gross stereotypes on frequent display: Terry Crews, for example, plays a happy, singing African entertainer who’s worryingly close to something out of a minstrel show. Even worse is Sandler’s *hilariously* menstruating teenage daughter Espn, named after the sports channel (ka-ching!), whose emotional arc essentially amounts to “get a smokin’ hot makeover so you’ll look socially acceptable and then you’ll be happy!” (conformism, yay!)
And the schmaltz -- my god, the schmaltz. It’s sickening: the film is covered in this treacly goo of icky sentimentality, which jars with its overwhelmingly juvenile, slapstick-heavy sense of humour. What this means is that when Sandler reveals to Barrymore that his wife sadly passed away from cancer (FEEL SORRY FOR HIM!), it’s almost immediately followed up by the grim sight of Barrymore puking up spicy food. Which, like the vast majority of the jokes on display, isn’t the slightest bit funny; the fact that said unfunny jokes are repeated ad nauseam throughout the film certainly doesn't help matters. That “Blended” isn’t as ball-achingly dreadful as “Jack and Jill” or “Grown Ups 2” is purely down to what survives of Sandler and Barrymore’s chemistry -- though more tolerable than both films, it’s just as plotless and just as perfunctory. I have no doubt it was a ton of fun to make for the cast and crew -- halfway through watching it, I wanted to stick my head in a blender.
Rating: 3/10
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