So, my unfashionably late “best of 2013” list was posted last night. Now it's time for the opposite side of the spectrum: the worst of 2013. You know when I said 2013 was a great year for movies? Well, you wouldn't know it from this sorry lot. Let the self-righteous hatred commence!
25. “Oldboy”
Like uncooked leftovers spilled on the floor, Spike Lee’s stale, English-language remake of Park Chan-wook’s earth-shatteringly brilliant South Korean revenge thriller “Oldboy” lands with a splat. With personality-free anonymity, Lee recreates Chan-wook’s strange and stylish modern classic practically scene-by-scene, but with the original’s explosive sting replaced with a bitter blandness it goes down about as well as a live octopus. Case in point: restaged is the extraordinary single-take corridor hammer-brawl from the 2003 film — the one which Choi Min-sik spends half of with a kitchen knife sticking out of his back — but Lee bafflingly manages to make it boring and perfunctory. And that final, heart-wrenching revelation which sent heads spinning in ‘03? Falls as flat as a steamrolled pancake. Also: I don’t know what in the holy mother of god Sharlto Copley was trying to do in that role, as that character, with that accent, but whatever it was it was not of this earth.
24. “The Hangover Part III”
Among the countless complaints rightly hurled at 2011’s “The Hangover Part II,” the most common one was that it was far too similar to its predecessor, that it was basically the first film all over again but set in a foreign country. Director Todd Phillips clearly took this to heart, because for “The Hangover Part III” he drove the comedy franchise in a more action-oriented direction; the plot now featured violent gangsters, stolen loots, high-stakes break-ins and a climactic parachute escape. In fact, Phillips was so determined to make the concluding third chapter of his “Hangover” trilogy different from the first two “Hangover” movies that he appears to have forgotten he was making a comedy; cos I can honestly tell you I didn’t laugh once.
23. “The Counsellor”
On the basis of “The Counsellor,” Cormac McCarthy should never be allowed near a copy of Final Draft ever again. When not trudging its way through its confusing and incoherent plot, McCarthy’s first stab at screenwriting has vapid non-characters spouting nonsensical, faux-existential riddles at each other which seem to last for an eternity. The sole entertaining moment in “The Counsellor” comes when Cameron Diaz drops her knickers and dry-humps a ferrari windshield — watching the film, you might be tempted to do the same, just for something to do. Eventually the film reaches a depressingly bleak bummer of an ending which renders the whole thing not at all worth the punishing effort. I have no doubt that McCarthy’s script read well on paper; read aloud on-screen it’s a right old slog.
22. “Grudge Match”
Y'know, I never thought I’d see a Sylvester Stallone boxing movie worse than “Rocky V;” I thought very wrong. In studio comedy “Grudge Match,” the Italian Stallion goes toe-to-toe with Robert De Niro, which might sound like a movie lover’s dream come true — it’s Rocky vs. the Raging Bull! — but director Peter Segal somehow manages to make it a drag to sit through: before we get to that climactic punch-up, there’s an hour and a half of inane banter and filler sub-plots. The two stars’ natural charisma, present even when they’re telegramming it in, can’t make up for the pitifully lightweight gags on display here, nor a script which sounds like it was written by a six year old. I was kind of impressed: who knew Jake LaMotta calling Rocky Balboa a “super pussy” could be so boring?
21. “The Internship”
Not since Ronald McDonald breakdanced his way through a McDonalds restaurant in the 1988 sci-fi adventure “Mac and Me” has a piece of movie product placement been so blatant, nor so crass. In the glorified two-hour Google advert “The Internship,” Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn play a couple of fired watch salesmen who become interns at the Google headquarters. Cue unending mentions of Google Mail, Google Maps, Google Shopping and the Google search engine, all while the Google logo hangs conspicuously in the background. At one point, Wilson literally says, “Google is the greatest place to work in the world.” I’d complain about the film being half an hour too long, but really, considering its advertising purposes, this shouldn’t have been any longer than 30 seconds.
20. “R.I.P.D.”
Rooster Cogburn and Van Wilder run about town busting ghosts in “R.I.P.D.,” a sci-fi comedy based on the Dark Horse comic strip about the bounty hunters of the afterlife. Sound fun? Yeah, no: this is a thinly disguised “Men in Black” knock-off without the laughs, the heart or the golden Smith/Jones buddy combo. Instead we have Ryan Reynolds doing his usual wise-ass shtick as an undead cop while Jeff Bridges, playing the spirit of a US Marshal from the Old West, shamelessly regurgitates his performance in the Coen Bros’ “True Grit” — only in “True Grit” it was funny. Kevin Bacon, meanwhile, phones it in just as much as he does in those bloody EE adverts — I was half-expecting him to turn to the camera and try to sell me 2 for 1 cinema tickets.
19. “Justin and the Knights of Valour”
Take “How to Train Your Dragon” and “Shrek,” stick ‘em in a big blender and suck out all the enchantment, wit and imagination but leave Rupert Everett swimming in the goop: the result is “Justin and the Knights of Valour,” a cheap and charmless computer-animated medieval fantasy adventure which I was shocked to discover was not in fact some obscure, foreign, “Top Cat: The Movie”-esque rush-job quickly re-dubbed for the UK market — though a Spanish production, that British voice cast, which includes Freddie Highmore, Saoirse Ronan and Mark Strong, is the original voice cast. Coulda fooled me. The sole joy of the film is Antonio Banderas, whose roguishly seductive purrs reminded me of just how fun “Puss in Boots” turned out to be and made me realise, by unfair comparison, just how rubbish “Justin and the Knights of Valour” really is.
18. “Planes”
You thought “Cars 2” was bad? Hoo boy, just wait’ll you see “Planes:” it’s so bad it makes you wish you were watching “Cars 2;” it’s so bad it makes “Cars 2” look like “Toy Story 3.” Though a spin-off from the fantasy world of sentient automobiles presented in Pixar’s “Cars” movies, “Planes” is not, thank god, made by Pixar; it is in fact made by DisneyToons, a studio which specialises in straight-to-DVD Disney sequels. Indeed, “Planes” was originally planned to be nothing more than a home video release, but seemingly sniffing a fast buck the studio converted it to 3D and released it in theatres. It shows: the whole thing feels like a hurriedly produced DVD extra stretched out to feature length, and the story is so aggressively formulaic, repetitive and predictable that sitting through it from start to finish should prove an endurance test even for little kiddies. There are currently two sequels planned: hopefully they stay on the DVD shelves where they belong.
17. “Identity Thief”
“Bridesmaids” breakthrough Melissa McCarthy starred in two buddy comedies in 2013, one of which was surprisingly smart and funny. The other was “Identity Thief.” As McCarthy and co-lead Jason Bateman take a cross-country road trip together as a crafty scam artist and her justice-seeking victim, Seth Gordon’s charmless crime comedy ticks off every well-worn cliché in the road movie handbook — singing along to the radio, wacky motel shenanigans, wild animal attacks in the woods, you name it — and impressively achieves not a single giggle. The sole highlight is the sight of Bateman bashing McCarthy in the face with an acoustic guitar, which I have kindly provided for you in gif form above. There: now you don’t have to see the film.
16. “The Big Wedding”
Justin Zackham’s all-star American rom-com “The Big Wedding” is a remake of a French farce from 2006, which leads me to suspect that something might have been lost in translation; cos in its awkward and charmless mix of broad comedy, knockabout slapstick and raunchy humour, there exists not one good gag. The bewilderingly game ensemble cast, which most prominently features Robert De Niro, Diane Keaton, Susan Sarandon and Katherine Heigl, all appear to be having a ball, which is more than can be said for stony-faced audiences. I for one will never be able to fully scrub the sight of Robert De Niro’s face buried between Susan Sarandon’s legs from my mind — but I will try.
15. “A Good Day to Die Hard”
Towards the ending of my screening of “A Good Day to Die Hard,” when all the explosions and car crashes and general loud noises were coming to a close, the 20-something man sitting directly in front of me stood up and started enthusiastically whooping and cheering at the screen. The only thing stopping me from giving him a good clip around the ear (aside from my crippling shyness, my fear of being punched in the face and my basic human decency) was, I’m sorry to say, my complete and utter paralysing boredom. I’d ask for the “Die Hard” franchise to stop here but having it end on such a depressingly low note feels wrong. Maybe we can get John McTiernan back in action for McClane’s final send-off. He’s not busy, is he?
14. “Texas Chainsaw 3D”
The best part of “Texas Chainsaw 3D” is the opening, which shows in glorious, sweat-drenched technicolour the terrifying, nerve-shredding final moments of Tobe Hooper’s iconic 1974 horror masterpiece “The Texas Chain Saw Massacre.” The worst part of “Texas Chainsaw 3D” is the rest of the film, which for 90 suspense-free minutes sees masked slasher Leatherface chasing after nubile teens, outing their innards and being pursued himself by local rednecks. Is it a reboot? Is it a sequel? Either way, it’s a stinker. Any self-respecting fan of the original ought to openly weep when Leatherface hurls his CGI chainsaw at the camera — in 3D!
13. “The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones”
Here’s a tip: if you’re lucky enough to have “Game of Thrones” queen Lena Headey starring in your crummy little “Twilight” cash-in, don’t kill her off after 15 minutes — she might make the following hour-and-forty-five minutes or so a lot more tolerable. Based on the YA fantasy novel by Cassandra Clare, “The Mortal Instruments” follows Lily Collins’ teen New Yorker as she’s plunged into a secret and incomprehensible world of vampires and werewolves and demons and what-have-you and falls in love with a hunky, hooded “Shadow Hunter” named Jace. Wikipedia tells me there remain five entries in Clare’s book series; if any of them are turned into movies — unlikely, considering the box office takings — hopefully Miss Headey will turn up as a ghost or something.
12. “The Last Exorcism Part II”
Dropping its predecessor’s found-footage format for more traditional filming techniques, horror sequel “The Last Exorcism Part II” is basically to “The Last Exorcism” what “Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2” was to “The Blair Witch Project,” i.e. rubbish. Interestingly, there’s a strange parallel between it and the Eli Roth-produced 2010 mini-hit: while “Part I” spent most of its runtime being surprisingly creepy and interesting before coming to a disappointingly crappy ending, “Part II” spends most of its runtime being utterly crap and then comes to a rather interesting finale before abruptly stopping. To make your viewing experience more fun, I propose a game: count the jump scares, or to be more specific, count the number of times Ashley Bell is startled by a loud noise. You’ll need more than two hands.
11. “The Smurfs 2”
I’m not entirely certain which part I found more dispiriting: the part where one of the several indistinguishable little Smurf characters turned around and shouted, “See you later, Smurfigator!” (one of the roughly 13 billion Smurf-centric puns that make up the entirety of the script) or the 50th-or-so time Hank Azaria’s evil wizard Gargamel whipped out his all new Sony Tablet and started waving the Sony logo directly at the camera. Can “The Smurfs 3” just be Gargamel stomping on the Smurfs’ tiny blue heads for an hour and a half? That’d be swell.
10. “Getaway”
The sheer head-banging monotony of action-thriller “Getaway” cannot be expressed in words, so to give you an idea, just look at that gif on the right there and don’t look away for, ooh, an hour and a half. Did you do it? For an hour and a half? My condolences: you just sat through “Getaway.” Courtney Solomon’s supposed thrill-ride is one big extended car crash, in more ways than the filmmakers intended. As Ethan Hawke’s ex-race car driver crashes and smashes his way through the streets of Bulgaria, I lost track of the amount of shots of Hawke shifting gears, spinning the wheel and turning his head. I also lost track of the amount of times Hawke’s character is surprised to hear police sirens start blaring behind him; I can’t imagine why he’s surprised, since it’s happened at least 15 times since the movie began. Notably, villain Jon Voight doesn’t show his face until the film’s final two seconds: considering how unutterably awful the film is, I can’t say I blame him.
9. “Diana”
In “Diana,” director Oliver Hirschbiegel takes a potentially stirring and provocative real-life love story — that of the beloved Princess Di and her secret affair with Pakistani heart surgeon Hasnat Khan — and turns it into something one might find playing on the Hallmark Channel on a wet Sunday afternoon. Bland doesn’t quite describe it; boring, maybe; baffling, certainly. As the people’s princess, Naomi Watts gets all the expected head bobs and dulcet tones down pat, but her staggeringly soulless performance is so devoid of personality that it’s nothing more than a hollow impersonation; it’s like she’s playing the pod person version of Diana from “Invasion of the Body Snatchers,” which makes the central romance a little difficult to buy into. Howlers are abound in Stephen Jeffreys’ woeful script; worst among them, uttered with complete sincerity by Naveen Andrews: “You don’t perform the surgery, the surgery performs you.” Oy.
8. “The Host”
If, due to some silly back-room packaging mix-up, your newly purchased DVD copy of “The Host” contains not the 2013 teen sci-fi romance you intended to purchase but instead the 2006 South Korean monster movie of the same name, don’t be upset: it’s much better and much more deserving of your attention. Not even the enormously gifted and versatile Saoirse Ronan could quell the tedium, nor the fits of unintended hilarity, caused by Andrew Niccol’s lifeless adaptation of Stephenie Meyer’s YA bestseller. Deathly dull and frequently risible, it’s “Invasion of the Body Snatchers” updated for the “Twilight” crowd — with added teen love triangle!
7. “A Haunted House”
13 years after kick-starting the “Scary Movie” franchise with brothers Shawn and Keenen, Marlon Wayans returned to the horror spoof genre with “Paranormal Activity” piss-take “A Haunted House,” and looking at the results, one wishes he hadn’t. What might have worked as a three-minute Funny or Die sketch is extended far beyond its limitations, and then extended some more, as Wayans and co-star Essence Atkins find themselves tormented by a pot-smoking, sex addicted spook. What’s frustrating is that there are hints of a good idea in here — there’s the sense that it’s actually about male commitment issues — but that’s quick to drown in a bottomless sewer of fart jokes, homophobia and ill-judged rapey humour. In interviews, Wayans has said that he’s disappointed in the way the “Scary Movie” franchise has progressed over the years — watching “A Haunted House,” one wonders, how is this any better?
6. “I Spit on Your Grave 2”
Inexplicably, Steven R. Monroe sequelised his crappy 2010 remake of the notorious 1978 Meir Zarchi rape-revenge splatter-shocker about a young woman abused in the woods of Louisiana. Though the action has moved to the bustling streets of NYC and later Bulgaria, “I Spit on Your Grave 2” is basically a retread of the remake as another young woman is viciously abused and then takes bloody revenge against her abusers. Original star Sarah Butler was smart not to return, if that was ever the intention: this is a crass, vile and dead-eyed exercise in joyless grotesquery and an entirely worthless movie-watching experience to which the only logical response is exasperation and misery.
5. “Scary Movie V”
“Why?” seemed to be the collective response to “Scary Movie V,” the fifth entry in the horror spoof franchise which lost any and all inspiration halfway through part one. I’ll tell you why: though it was quick to descend into neanderthalic, Friedberg/Seltzer-style pop culture finger-pointing, the “Scary Movie” franchise has proven a very lucrative business. The first “Scary Movie” in 2000, for example, was made with a production budget of $19 million and bagged a whopping $278 million at the worldwide box office. And with an average budget of $35.4 million, not one entry in the series has made less than $140 million worldwide. Ooh, hold the phone, all except this one: it only made $77 million worldwide, less than half of the fourth movie’s overall take. Maybe that’ll encourage them to stop. Please stop. Please.
4. “Movie 43”
What is this? I don’t know what this is. The marketing for “Movie 43” asked us, “What is Movie 43?” I’ve seen the film, I still don’t know. It has a lot of famous faces starring in it — Hugh Jackman, Kate Winslet, Richard Gere, Halle Berry, Naomi Watts, so on, so forth — and that’s all good, but why are they in it? And why are they taking part in such inane, unfunny comedy sketches about pooping, testicle-necks, horny cartoon characters and child abuse? I’m kind of baffled. I’m stunned. What is “Movie 43?” I really don’t know. If someone does, please call me. I’d really like to know.
3. “May I Kill U?”
In black comedy “May I Kill U?,” Brit comic Kevin Bishop — who to me, no matter how hard he tries, will forever be little Jim Hawkins in “Muppet Treasure Island" — plays a London cycle cop who, following the 2011 riots, decides to deliver his own personal brand of justice: he brutally murders local criminals on the street and uploads the video footage onto the internet. Are you laughing yet? I never did: this embarrassingly amateurish Brit flick is so hopelessly confused not even it knows when it’s supposed to be laugh-out-loud hilarious or when it’s supposed to be grimly satirical (either way, it achieves neither). May u kill me? Yes plz.
2. “The Starving Games”
You’ve gotta give Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg credit: they are dedicated. Never mind that not a single one of their directorial works has a Tomatometer rating above 7%. Never mind that not one film they’ve made has an IMDb user rating above 3.5/10. And never mind that they have absolutely nothing of any worth, merit or relevance to say about “The Hunger Games” — cos gosh darn it, they’re gonna parody it anyway! It won’t surprise you much to learn that among its endless slew of pratfalls, fart jokes and pop culture nods there lives not a single solitary chuckle in “The Starving Games.” It might surprise you, however, to learn that Seltzer and Friedberg’s latest affront to comedy/humanity is not my worst film of the year — having endured their projects for eight whole years, I’m not giving them the satisfaction anymore.
1. “Grown Ups 2”
I don’t know who I’m more disappointed in: Adam Sandler or the world. “Grown Ups 2” is a film which opens with the sight of a computer-generated deer urinating into Adam Sandler’s mouth and then gets worse from there. It is a film in which the emotional journey of the protagonist sees him learning how to “burp-snart” (for the uninformed, that’s burping, farting and sneezing at the same time). It’s a film so lazy its makers couldn’t even be bothered to give it a basic plot, a theme, a drive, an anything. It is a film so bad even Rob Schneider said no. And it is a film which, in the summer of 2013, made over $240 million at the worldwide box office. World, you done fucked up.
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