The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug - Review

Director: Peter Jackson Writers: Fran Walsh, Philippa Boyens, Peter Jackson, Guillermo del Toro Studios: Warner Bros. Pictures, New Line Cinema, Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer, WingNut Films Cast: Martin Freeman, Ian McKellen, Richard Armitage, Benedict Cumberbatch, Orlando Bloom, Evangeline Lily, Luke Evans Release Date (UK): 13 December 2013 Certificate: 12A Runtime: 161 min

“I do believe the worst is behind us” were the last words spoken in last year’s “The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey,” uttered by Bilbo Baggins as he, Gandalf and their band of thirteen hairy dwarves looked at their near future in the shape of The Lonely Mountain. And indeed Bilbo may be right: though sufficiently spectacular and delivered with gusto, the first chapter in Peter Jackson’s epic new fantasy trilogy, the prequels to his earth-shattering “Lord of the Rings” films, was a slight disappointment, lacking a little oomph in its narrative; it took forever to get going and once it did the story lacked focus and took on an all too episodic structure, with lengthy, inconsequential brawls with trolls and goblins and a pointless Rivendell pit-stop that wasn’t even in Tolkein’s book.

Thankfully, follow-up “The Desolation of Smaug” eradicates these problems, Jackson reducing the episodic structure and giving its narrative a smoother flow. Continuing the dwarves’ quest to reclaim their lost homeland, this second chapter is a superior creature, romping along at a brisker pace and journeying towards a clearly defined destination: The Lonely Mountain, where lowly hobbit Bilbo, again played wonderfully by Martin Freeman, must thieve the precious Arkenstone from under the snout of the dreaded dragon Smaug; the dragon whose eye, you may remember, burst open in the final moments of the last movie as he slumbered peacefully in a tomb of stolen gold worthy of Scrooge McDuck.

But it’s a good while until we get to him — a solid two hours, in fact. In the meantime, our vertically challenged heroes get into all sorts of perilous scrapes in their trek across Middle-earth, from a terrifying encounter with a hungry family of giant tarantulas to imprisonment in the dungeons of the Elvenking Thranduil (Lee Pace). All the while they’re pursued by a party of Orcs working under orders from a mysterious, whispery Necromancer who rises from the darkness.

Along the way we’re treated with a series of high-energy action set-pieces, the sheer bravura of which, combined with Jackson’s twisting, turning camera and dollops of gorgeously rendered special effects, is exhilarating and dazzling. Particularly spirited is our heroes’ intrepid escape from the dungeons of the Elvenking: chased by battling Orcs and elves, they ride wine barrels down a thrashing river. Pudgy dwarf Bombur (Stephen Hunter) really gets his chance to shine here, given a spectacular moment in which he, trapped inside a rolling barrel, pummels through Orc warriors left, right and centre like a bowling ball knocking down pins (which is then followed by Orlando Bloom’s Legolas jumping on the dwarves’ heads while firing arrows at Orcs). It is, if you’ll excuse the pun, a barrel of fun, and one of the most unashamedly joyous sequences in the history of Jackson’s Middle-earth.

In amongst the grand spectacle there’s nothing quite as compelling as the central relationship between Frodo and Sam in the “Lord of the Rings” films, but there is Bilbo, whose transformation from a cosy Shire-dweller to a brave and bold adventurer is these films’ real journey. And Freeman is utterly brilliant, nailing Bilbo’s timidness, his growing courage and his creeping corruption from the One Ring. I had my doubts about Freeman, but after his performance here I can’t for the life of me remember why; he’s fantastic and absolutely vital to our connection to the story (the mostly interchangeable dwarves don’t quite cut it, though I do like Ken Stott’s Scottish dwarf Balin and Richard Armitage’s brooding leader Thorin).

They’re all joined by a couple of newcomers: there’s Luke Evans as the handsome smuggler Bard who sneaks our heroes into Lake-town in barrels of stinky fish, and Evangeline Lily as the elf warrior Tauriel. Both are very welcome additions, in particular the pointy-eared Lily, who makes for a kick-ass heroine with an impressive gift for taking down Orcs with a bow and arrow (side note: there’s a ton of nifty, wildly imaginative Orc decapitations in this. You can tell this is directed by the guy who made “Braindead”).

But undeniably, the best newcomer is Benedict Cumberbatch as the voice — and, if those rather embarrassing photos are to be believed, movement — of the gargantuan fire-breather Smaug the Magnificent. And magnificent he is: another miracle creation of WETA, he’s a fearsome beast of startling size, sporting a booming voice, dripping with arrogance and grinning with sadistic glee as he taunts and teases his tiny prey. His face-off with Bilbo inside The Lonely Mountain is gripping stuff as Bilbo’s newfound courage is really put to the test. Their interaction is seamless and the bombastic set-piece that follows is a ton of fun. It’s a finale worth the trek that preceded it, and considering what a lengthy trek it was, that’s saying something.

Indeed, Jackson’s undoubtedly self-indulgent desire to turn Tolkein’s slim story into another epic, 9-hour blockbuster trilogy still shows strain — there’s some definite padding here, some pointless filler here — but as long as the results are as consistently thrilling and immersive as this, you won’t hear me complaining (well, not too much, anyway). I’m kind of excited for “There and Back Again;” after all, “Return of the King” was my favourite of the “Lord of the Rings” films, and given that this will be the third and final entry in the “Hobbit” series it has every chance of being the best of them. Let’s hope Jackson can pull it off — I mean, if anyone can, it’s most certainly him.

Rating: 8/10

Frozen - Review

Directors: Chris Buck, Jennifer Lee Writer: Jennifer Lee Studios: Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures, Walt Disney Pictures, Walt Disney Animation Studios Cast: Kristen Bell, Idina Menzel, Jonathan Groff, Josh Gad Release Date (UK): 6 December 2013 Certificate: PG Runtime: 108 min

Disney’s “Frozen” is, for my money, the best animated film of the year — you’ve probably heard that already, from the countless rave reviews the film has rightly received across the US and now in the UK, all punnily proclaiming (for good reason) that it will “melt your heart.” You’ve also undoubtedly heard that it’s Disney’s best since their Shakespearian mega-hit “The Lion King” in 1994, and as an admirer of their subsequent “Mulan,” as well as their more recent “The Princess and the Frog,” “Tangled” and “Wreck-It Ralph” I’m going to have to agree with that bold claim (incidentally, yesterday I happily rewatched “The Lion King” for the first time in years and fell right back in love with it, and straight afterwards I rewatched “Beauty and the Beast” cos, you know, it’s “Beauty and the Beast” and it’s awesome).

Watching “Frozen,” I got the definite sense that I was watching a proper Disney classic, like something from their great Renaissance period — and that, I have to say, is a great feeling indeed. Its story, which involves magic and princesses and a fantasy kingdom, feels like it’s been ripped directly from the pages of an old Grimm folk story or a Hans Christian Andersen fairy tale (perhaps that’s because it’s loosely based on the latter’s 1845 work “The Snow Queen”). The story is that of a princess born with the uncontrollable power to turn all that she touches into solid ice, and it’s as enchanting a tale as the studio has ever told — it’s also quite possibly their most mature and human one yet.

The princess, voiced by Idina Menzel (“Wicked”), is named Elsa, and she’s kept locked away in her family’s Nordic castle after her powers very nearly result in the death of her little sister Anna, voiced by Kristen Bell — her frosty touch, she’s told, is far too dangerous and must stay hidden before someone else is put in harm’s way. But her true nature can’t be kept under lock and key forever, and indeed during her coronation ceremony her powers are publicly exposed in spectacular fashion: during a fight with Anna she accidentally freezes the grand hall and turns the water of a fountain to ice. Labelled a monster, she flees the kingdom and in a fit of rage, inadvertently plunges the land into a seemingly eternal winter.

It’s up to the excitable and naive Anna to find her beloved but distant big sis and convince her to reverse the curse under which she has placed the land. On her journey she meets three sprightly characters who tag along: Kristoff (Jonathan Groff), a hunky mountain man whose business of selling ice has significantly depleted since the sudden ice age (apparently he’s not so good he can sell snow to eskimos), Kristoff’s lovable reindeer Sven and a goofy, living snowman called Olaf, whose biggest wish is to finally see what summer looks like. As voiced by Josh Gad, Olaf is one of the most delightful supporting characters in Disney canon, full of life and innocence, and with body parts that move of their own free will. He even gets his own (hilarious) musical number, in which he fantasises about sunbathing on a beach (“I’m gonna tell him,” whispers Kristoff. “Don’t you dare!” barks Anna).

Yes, “Frozen” is a musical, and what a splendid one it is: the early “Do You Want to Build a Snowman?" is an absolute, spirit-soaring joy, and there’s a marvellous midway number (“Let It Go”) in which Elsa constructs her own grand ice palace while belting out a show-stopping tune about embracing her powers rather than holding them back. Here, “Frozen” reveals itself to be a firmly feminist film, as Elsa passionately refuses to hide her real self from society and let her true nature reign free. It’s powerful, heart-soaring stuff, and along with “Tangled” shows Disney handling their female characters in a way that’s respectful, intelligent and fiercely liberating.

And of course we also get some truly splendid computer animation, as gorgeously assembled by Disney’s crack team of artists: the snow-dappled land of Arendelle is beautifully rendered. Is “Frozen” Disney’s first truly great computer animation? I think it is: “Tangled” was terrific fun, but it didn’t quite have the nuance or the poignancy on display here. What I’m certain of is this: “Frozen” is spellbinding, and not only is it absolutely worthy of the timeless Disney classics it has been compared to, it’s a timeless Disney classic all on its own.

Rating: 9/10

The Hunger Games: Catching Fire - Review

Director: Francis Lawrence Writers: Simon Beaufoy, Michael deBruyn Studios: Lionsgate, Color Force Cast: Jennifer Lawrence, Josh Hutcherson, Liam Hemsworth, Woody Harrelson, Elizabeth Banks, Lenny Kravitz, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Jeffrey Wright, Stanley Tucci, Donald Sutherland Release Date (UK): 21 November 2013 Certificate: 12A Runtime: 146 min

Like “Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope” before it, the first adaptation of Suzanne Collins’ dystopian “Hunger Games” book series had a heavy burden on its shoulders: the burden of having to set up its fantasy world and lay out its many rules. There was the wealthy and sickeningly opulent city of The Capitol, the twelve impoverished Districts whose citizens live in squalor down below, and the barbaric, Battle Royale-esque Hunger Games the Capitol uses to entertain itself and keep the dozen Districts in their place. Thankfully, also like “A New Hope,” Gary Ross’ YA sci-fi thriller managed to be a very good and very engaging movie as it carefully assembled its universe, flaunting exhilarating thrills, a gripping adventure and a courageous teen warrior in Jennifer Lawrence’s Katniss Everdeen.

But now that all that pesky brick-laying is out of the way, and now we know where we are in the future world of Panem, it’s time to delve deeper into the characters’ journey, introduce some twists and turns and really tell a full-blooded story free from the necessary world-building. As such, you can consider follow-up “Catching Fire” the “Empire Strikes Back” (or “The Capitol Strikes Back”) of the “Hunger Games” saga: a superior, more confident sequel to an already terrific movie which cranks up the emotional stakes and journeys further into the dark side.

Indeed, one of the reasons “Catching Fire” tops its predecessor is that its depiction of its totalitarian society is considerably darker and more brutal than last time round. In the first “Hunger Games,” the powers that be at the Capitol enforced their dominance by randomly selecting children from each district and dumping them inside an arena where they fought to the death until only one stood victorious. Now, fearing revolution, they’re plucking potential rebels from crowds and murdering them on-stage for all to see; in one of the film’s more harrowing scenes, a disobedient citizen is chained up in the street and has his bare back repeatedly lashed with a whip. Donald Sutherland’s cruel and conniving President Snow is not messing around: this is boldly brutish stuff for a tween-oriented popcorn flick, and it makes the Capitol all that more horrifyingly loathsome.

Sutherland’s increased screen-time also gives the Capitol’s oppressive evil more of a presence this time round; not just a faceless entity, it now has a prominent figure in President Snow, a sort of bearded, snowy-haired Emperor Palpatine, if you will. No longer lurking in the background, he’s front and centre, and he is bone-chilling. And there’s not just him: there’s also Philip Seymour Hoffman’s Plutarch Heavensbee (so immersive is the film that we don’t bat an eyelid when his name is first stated), the deviously charismatic new game maker. His conversations with President Snow in which they scheme their oppressive deeds are deliciously dark and carry surprising insight into how fascistic governments control their citizens through careful, calculated manipulation. All this from a tentpole blockbuster.

Yet in spite of their wickedest of efforts, the smell of revolution still hangs heavy in the air, thanks to the flaming symbol of hope that is Katniss Everdeen, the much-loved “girl on fire.” Last time we saw Katniss, she’d just survived and essentially defeated the 74th Hunger Games with fellow District 12 tribute Peeta Mellark (Josh Hutcherson), and President Snow isn’t vey happy with her: he’s adamant that she be killed and that her symbol of hope be stamped out, and fast. Katniss meanwhile has been undergoing symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder following the bloodbath in the arena, making her the second blockbuster hero this year to suffer from PTSD, after Tony Stark in “Iron Man 3.” Which begs the question: are movie heroes becoming more human and vulnerable, or is PTSD just the next big movie trend?

Katniss’ nightmares look set to continue as President Snow announces that for the 75th Hunger Games, victors from previous years will be competing against each other; in other words, Katniss and Peeta are to be plunged back into the arena once again and do battle with experienced killers. Here, the film runs the risk of repeating what has come before, but director Francis Lawrence (“I Am Legend”) keeps up the suspense and has a few exciting tricks up his sleeve — there’s one particularly alluring moment where a mysterious cloud of smoke descends silently through the dark of the woods like a killer in the night, revealed to be poisonous mist when Katniss curiously reaches out her hand and her skin begins to bubble and boil.

And of course it’s all guided along gloriously by Jennifer Lawrence, as is the rest of the movie and as was the first movie. Arguably the most gifted young actress working today (actually, after “Winter’s Bone,” “Silver Linings Playbook” and now this, that might be inarguable), Lawrence burns bright, her Katniss probably the best screen heroine since Ellen Ripley did battle with the Xenomorph in Ridley Scott’s “Alien.” Not just brave, intelligent and resourceful, she’s also identifiably human and endearingly reluctant in her feats of heroism; she never asked nor wanted to be a rebel fighter, but when the time comes to fight she’s a born survivor. All the while Lawrence brings to Katniss a strong, rock-solid screen presence, the kind Kristen Stewart — for all her moping and lip-chewing — could only dream of (sorry, Bella!).

I think I know why “The Hunger Games” clicks with me so much: partly it's because unlike “The Mortal Instruments” and “The Host” it’s absolutely 100% convincing in its world-building, partly it's because it has an abiding affection for and a firm belief in its central characters, but mostly I think it’s because Katniss is such a compelling character, and as wonderfully played by Lawrence, she’s a hero you can really root for. Before seeing the film, I’d heard that Collins’ book, unread by me, was disliked by many fans and that its transition to the screen would prove problematic. If that really is the case, then this might just be that rare occasion where a film adaptation outdoes its source material: this is a powerful piece of storytelling, delivering a multitude of shocks and thrills as it darkly depicts the monstrousness of totalitarianism, all while operating under the guise of popcorn escapism. Roll on “Mockingjay,” which, as is tradition, has been split into two separately released parts — like a squealing fanboy, I’m eagerly awaiting both.

Rating: 9/10

Parkland - Review

Director: Peter Landesman Writer: Peter Landesman Studios: Exclusive Media Group, American Film Company, Exclusive Media, Playtone Cast: Paul Giamatti, James Badge Dale, Billy Bob Thornton, Tom Welling, David Harbour, Zac Efron, Marcia Gay Harden Release Date (UK): 22 November 2013 Certificate: 15 Runtime: 94 min

“Parkland” is a missed opportunity, the opportunity being to tell the story of the assassination of JFK in a way that is human. There’s great potential for that here: a historical ensemble piece, it looks at the assassination from the perspective of the seemingly insignificant supporting players it impacted, the ones who watched from the cheering crowds as President John F. Kennedy was shot dead and the ones who were listening to their radios and watching their TVs when they heard that their President had been murdered. Writer-director Peter Landesman’s film looks at a familiar story from an unfamiliar angle, which might’ve been more interesting if the usually glossed-over individuals on whom it shines a light weren’t still in wanting of some serious fleshing out.

The supporting players, here standing in the spotlight, are are such: Abraham Zapruder, whose much-scrutinised 8mm home movie of Kennedy’s motorcade passing by inadvertently captured the moment Kennedy was shot; the doctors and nurses who tried in vain to resuscitate Kennedy’s body at Parkland Memorial Hospital; the Secret Service chief in charge of protecting Kennedy; the two FBI agents who discovered they had the chance to catch shooter Lee Harvey Oswald and flubbed it; and Oswald’s older brother Robert, who on November 22nd, 1963 heard on the radio that his little brother had shot and killed the most important man in the world. For 90 minutes, we jump back and forth between their experiences throughout that dark day and the days that followed. The result is skilfully edited and shot with urgency by Barry Ackroyd, but as a drama it leaves much to be desired.

I went into “Parkland” thinking, “This’ll be interesting, I don’t know much about these people.” And you know what I thought when I came out of it? “I still don’t know that much about these people.” It’s well performed by the likes of Paul Giamatti, Billy Bob Thornton and James Badge Dale (each of whom give affecting performances while playing cardboard cut-outs), but Landesman fails to get underneath their characters’ skin and find what makes them tick. Zac Efron’s Dr. Carrico is particularly empty, Efron required only to look a bit dazed when Kennedy’s body is wheeled into the operating room and then upset when Kennedy flatlines.

Landesman’s script has insight, but not into who these people are/were, only into what they did. It all feels like a news report, ticking off all the important facts but struggling to wring out much compelling drama or suspense — I wasn’t too surprised to learn after viewing the film that Landesman was in fact a journalist. If one were wishing to commemorate Kennedy’s memory with a movie, Oliver Stone’s “JFK” would be a safer bet: it’s a full-blooded drama with real meat on its bones. By comparison, “Parkland” feels like a half-heated microwave dinner.

Rating: 5/10

The Family - Review

Director: Luc Besson Writers: Luc Besson, Michael Caleo Studios: EuropaCorp, Relativity Media, Malavita, Media Magik Entertainment Cast: Robert De Niro, Michelle Pfeiffer, Tommy Lee Jones, Dianna Agron, John D’Leo Release Date (UK): 22 November 2013 Certificate: 15 Runtime: 111 min

Mobster comedy “The Family” might just contain the single biggest plot contrivance since Superman turned back time by flying around the world really fast. It comes halfway through the movie. Teenager Warren, in witness protection in a tiny French village after his ex-mobster family snitched on a Mafia boss, writes for a local competition a joke he once heard told by that same Mafia boss. The joke wins and is printed in the school paper. Soon after, the Mafia boss, stuck in a prison cell on the other side of the world, is handed a wine bottle. By sheer coincidence, this wine bottle was made in the same tiny French village that Warren and his family are hiding in. And wrapped around this wine bottle is, again by sheer coincidence, the same school paper containing the Mafia boss' joke. And what page does the Mafia boss turn to when he opens up the crumpled newspaper? Why of course, he turns to the page with the joke.

It sounds like the kind of tall tale Ray Liotta might’ve told in his narration for “Goodfellas,” only he might’ve sold it a little better. This could have been a deliberate nudge, but I don't think this movie's that smart. Directed by French action maestro Luc Besson, “The Family” is essentially both a parody of and love letter to Scorsese gangster movies, like “Goodfellas” and “Casino,” and Francis Ford Coppola’s “The Godfather” trilogy. Starring in all three of those was Robert De Niro. And wouldn’t you know it, he stars in this too, once again playing a violent mobster type, alongside Michelle Pfeiffer, once again married to the mob.

They play former Mafia couple the Manzonis, renamed the Blakes and relocated with their two teenage kids from Brooklyn to a sleepy, picturesque town by the country in Normandy, France. Supervised by Tommy Lee Jones’ grumpy FBI Agent Stansfield, they live in hiding from the vengeful and incarcerated Don Luchese (Stan Carp) and his cronies, who search for the rats in the hopes of some payback. Advised to keep a low profile, the Blakes try to live a normal, peaceful life in their new European home. But old habits die hard, and soon enough there’s a body in the backyard, the plumber’s beaten to a pulp and the local supermarket is blown to smithereens.

All of which sounds pretty funny, so it’s a shame then that most of the fish-out-of-water gags fall about as flat as a snitch under a steamroller. This, in spite of the knockabout chemistry of the cast, in particular De Niro and Jones, whose quick-fire back-and-forth banter suggests that they might be great in a buddy movie together. Pfeiffer’s lotsa fun, sporting a thick-as-a-brick Brooklyn twang and stealing the show as a Mafioso ice queen with a heart of gold. De Niro’s also fun, but the thing is, he’s already pastiched his tough guy image twice before, first in “Analyse This” and then again in “Meet the Parents” —  actually, if you count their sequels, that’s five times. By now, the novelty of De Niro sticking his tongue out at himself has worn off a little (in fact, it may have worn off halfway through “Meet the Fockers”).

Towards the end the film descends into typical Besson action fare, with firefights and rocket launchers galore as the Don, surprise surprise, discovers the Manzonis’ location. But before that, the film makes a big mistake: as a meta joke, it plays for us, and also De Niro, the sound from the opening of “Goodfellas,” with Liotta’s narration taking over and that classic Tony Bennett hit “Rags to Riches” playing over multiple scenes. Here’s a word of advice: if you’re making a gangster movie in the vein of “Goodfellas,” don’t actually show footage from “Goodfellas” — you’re not gonna come out on top.

Rating: 5/10

The Counsellor - Review

Director: Ridley Scott Writer: Cormac McCarthy Studios: 20th Century Fox, Scott Free Productions, Nick Wechsler Productions, Chockstone Pictures Cast: Michael Fassbender, Penélope Cruz, Cameron Diaz, Javier Bardem, Brad Pitt Release Date (UK): 15 November 2013 Certificate: 18 Runtime: 117 min

How has this happened? “The Counsellor,” an adult crime thriller directed by Ridley Scott and penned by Cormac McCarthy, is not only not one of the best films of the year, it’s one of the worst. I’m stunned, I’m perplexed and I’m very confused. This cannot be: a film from the director of “Alien” and “Blade Runner” and the author of “No Country for Old Men” is one of the worst films of 2013. Once again I must ask, how has this happened?

I’ll tell you how: “The Counsellor” is the first screenplay written by McCarthy, a brilliant author who, as it turns out, isn’t very good at writing screenplays. In “The Counsellor,” his characters like to talk, and they like to talk a lot. Often when they talk, they are reciting lengthy, existential monologues in which they philosophise about greed, death and, bizarrely, the hunting habits of the jaguar, which seem to last for an eternity. The characters in this film don’t talk to each other: they spout riddles at each other. It’s all very pompous and it all feels like a McCarthy adaptation gone horribly awry — or, more damningly, Tarantino at his self-indulgent worst. I have no doubt McCarthy’s script read well on paper. On screen, it’s an endurance test.

The film has a very good cast — actually, a great cast. In the starring roles are such hot Hollywood items as Michael Fassbender, Penélope Cruz, Javier Bardem, Cameron Diaz and Brad Pitt. A fantastic ensemble, I’m sure you’ll agree. Trouble is, they’re wasted on characters who are for the most part insipid and unlikeable, and we are given precious little insight into their lives or their motivations. They barely register as living, breathing human beings — rather, they’re walking, talking riddle machines.

The film is set in the dark and dangerous world of cross-border drug trafficking. Fassbender plays a man known only as The Counsellor, to whom we are introduced as he burrows his face between Cruz’s legs (classy, Fassy!). The Counsellor wishes to take part in a drug deal, a one-time operation to earn him some money for an unmentioned reason, though early on we see him eyeing a precious diamond. He approaches Pitt’s swaggering cowboy middleman Westray, who warns him that the consequences of failure will be fatal, and brutally so. The Counsellor’s loving, naive fiancée, played by Cruz, is oblivious to the deal.

As is always the case in movies like this, the deal goes bad (though it's not The Counsellor's fault — it's just a horrible coincidence), and some nasty drug cartels come looking for The Counsellor and his fiancée — and they, unlike every other character in the film, aren’t looking to talk. I apologise if I’m making all this sound more exciting than it really is; really, it’s quite boring, plodding lifelessly from scene to scene with little pace, even less coherence and a lot of pretension. Oh, and talking. Lots of talking.

There are two major players in this story who add a few sprinkles of flavour to a dry mix. They are the spicily charismatic drug kingpin Reiner and his conniving girlfriend Malkina, and they are played by Bardem and Diaz. Diaz just oozes raw sex in a performance that's diabolically wicked, while Bardem, clad in a face-melting butterfly-patterned shirt, is as flamboyantly outlandish as his electrified haircut. Together, they take part in a scene that, just a couple of weeks after the film's US release, has already become notorious — it is a scene in which Diaz slips off her panties, mounts the hood of a Ferrari, does the splits and proceeds to dry-hump the windshield. Once again, I must apologise for making this sound more exciting than it really is (though this scene is the most enjoyable in the film, if only for Bardem’s inspired remark that Diaz’s pancaked nether regions resemble “one of those bottom-feeders you see going up the side of an aquarium... sucking its way up the glass”).

I’ll commend “The Counsellor” for being a properly adult thriller that’s bold, daring and different. I will not, however, commend it for being a load of twaddle. After 100 minutes of failing to entertain, grip or thrill (the Ferrari fucking aside), the film comes to a depressingly bleak and nihilistically unpleasant finish which finally plunged me into misery. Perhaps that was the point, though I’m not entirely certain and frankly, by this point in the film, I’d stopped caring. Maybe McCarthy could have spun a great novel out of this story; he certainly hasn’t spun a great movie out of it.

Rating: 4/10

The Butler - Review

Director: Lee Daniels Writer: Danny Strong Studios: The Weinstein Company, ShowmakerWorks Pictures, Laura Ziskin Productions, Windy Hill Pictures Cast: Forest Whitaker, Oprah Winfrey, David Oyelowo Release Date (UK): 15 November 2013 Certificate: 12A Runtime: 132 min

The previous movie from prestigious master of excess Lee Daniels, namely the polarising 2012 Cannes splash “The Paperboy,” was a most bizarre and rather intoxicating concoction, a thick blend of blood, sweat and Floridian swamp gunk. Relatively speaking, his latest movie, the newly released supposed Oscar candidate “The Butler,” is a much more conventional affair, but in its own little way it too is rather strange, if ironically for reasons that are altogether more unconventional (“The Paperboy” being more conventionally weird, most notably thanks to an already infamous scene in which Nicole Kidman pisses on Zac Efron’s face).

“The Butler” is strange in the sense that it wishes to be two different movies with two different ambitions: on the one hand, it wishes to be a gentle, warm-hearted story about a White House butler, played by Forest Whitaker, who watches his country change around him as he serves seven US presidents, from Dwight D. Eisenhower to Ronald Reagan — the sort of light, Academy-friendly film that’ll play well on a wet Sunday afternoon. On the other hand, it also wishes to be a hard-hitting history lesson exposing the grim and violent realities faced by backers of the civil rights movement, as seen through the eyes of the butler’s political activist son, played by David Oyelowo. The mix is a peculiar and uneven one but not without charm as Daniels and screenwriter Danny Strong explore the entirety of the turbulent African American experience in the 20th century through the lives of and tension between a butler and his son.

The film, as it so proudly states in its opening, is inspired by a true story, that of former White House butler Eugene Allen, who served eight, rather than seven, American presidents over the course of 34 years. Here, his name has been changed to Cecil Gaines and his story has been tinkered with, fictionalised for dramatic purposes. For example, the film begins with a young Cecil working in a Macon cotton field in 1926 when the white landowner, played by Alex Pettyfer, rapes his mother and murders his father. It’s a powerful scene, but one that has been made up for the movie — Allen grew up on a cotton field in Virginia, not Georgia, and he did not watch his mother being raped nor his father being murdered.

In his teens, Cecil learns the fine art of serving white folks, waits tables at a swanky hotel in Washington D.C. and in 1957 lands a job at the White House as a butler. Here, for over three decades, Cecil serves cookies and slices of toast and stands silently in the corner while the President discusses pressing issues concerning the rights of African Americans. Sometimes he gets to speak with the President about these issues, and sometimes his words have an influence on the course of history. As happens when Cecil has a brief conversation with Eisenhower, played by a bald-capped Robin Williams, about his son attending an “all-coloured” school, after which Eisenhower feels compelled to enforce racial integration in a Little Rock high school.

This happens time and time again throughout the movie: walking into the Oval Office with a tea tray in hand, Cecil witnesses first-hand pretty much every significant political decision concerning civil rights. You can practically see Daniels and Strong sticking a flagpole in each of the relevant historical events and then planning out how to get Cecil to reach each point and how he will effect or be effected by them. These parts of the film are essentially “Forrest Gump” in the White House, only without that film’s jokey sense of humour about its various historical contrivances but instead with a treacly sincerity.

These scenes are also marred by a series of increasingly silly cameos by Hollywood stars who come in one by one latexed up as the various Presidents of the United States — Williams as Eisenhower, James Marsden as wonder boy JFK, Liev Schreiber barking orders from the toilet as Lyndon B. Johnson, John Cusack as the ever-perspiring Tricky Dick and Alan Rickman as a barely human Ronald Reagan (but curiously no Ford or Carter). Smothered in prosthetics and looking like they’ve turned up to a fancy dress party, their caricature performances threaten to undo what drama is present in these scenes (though Marsden’s JFK impersonation is spot-on).

I found myself more interested in the more intimate moments at the Gaines household, with Oprah Winfrey sublime as Cecil’s long-suffering wife Gloria, and the sub-plot focused on Cecil’s fiercely liberal teenage son Louis, who, against the wishes of his father, heads down south to fight for racial equality. From the latter, Daniels wrings a handful of very effective and emotionally powerful scenes: e.g. a peaceful sit-in at a segregated Nashville diner which turns sickeningly violent and another scene in which Louis and his friends are viciously attacked by Ku Klux Klan members while travelling on a bus to Alabama.

These are shocking scenes, made more so by the fact that the events they depict really did happen 50 years ago (only here with the fictional Louis dropped in; apparently he was by Martin Luther King’s side in his hotel room right before he was shot dead). Comparatively, the scenes at 1600 Penn, which make up the bulk of the movie, seem awfully tame and lacking in a certain dramatic heft. Carried along by Whitaker’s wise and restrained performance and not much else, they feel a little empty, much as Rodrigo Leao’s sweeping, triumphant score tries to convince us otherwise.

I did like “The Butler:” its message of fighting for your rights is inspiring, it’s elegantly directed by Daniels and the performances of Whitaker, Winfrey and Oyelowo are very fine indeed. But after the trashy, unhinged melodrama of “The Paperboy” and the harsh, emotional rawness of “Precious,” this does seem like awfully safe territory for Daniels, too schmaltzy for its subject matter and, if I may be so blunt, quite Oscar-baity. Indeed, it has travelled across the US and now the UK accompanied with Winfrey singing its praises, a tactic which may well catch the Academy’s attention. Hopefully it does for the film’s performances, but as for the film itself, I’ve heard that a certain Steve McQueen drama also about African American hardships is more deserving of attention.

Rating: 6/10

Ender's Game - Review

Director: Gavin Hood Writer: Gavin Hood Studios: Summit Entertainment, Lionsgate, Chartoff Productions, Taleswapper, OddLot Entertainment, K/O Paper Products, Digital Domain Cast: Asa Butterfield, Harrison Ford, Ben Kingsley, Viola Davis, Hailee Steinfeld, Abigail Breslin Release Date (UK): October 25 2013 Certificate: 12A Runtime: 114 min

“Ender’s Game,” based on the ‘80s bestseller by Orson Scott Card, is a YA adaptation that’s ballsy enough to tackle dark, complex themes such as the moralities of war, the values of pacifism and the dehumanisation of simulated violence, all the while providing the expected sci-fi spectacle and dazzling special effects. Think of it as “Starship Troopers" for kids: written and directed by Gavin Hood (who previously directed “Tsotsi” and “X-Men Origins: Wolverine,” but let’s focus on “Tsotsi”), it imagines a future world under threat of invasion from a bug-like alien race known as the Formics. Asa Butterfield, a talented British up-and-comer, plays Ender Wiggin, a preteen brainbox chosen for a military program in which the world’s smartest children are trained in preparation for war with the Formics.

Blasted into space, Ender is sent to Battle School, where he is tasked with taking part in a competitive, zero-gravity game with his fellow recruits (it’s basically Quidditch with laser guns) and running hi-tech simulations in which he must scheme to defeat the alien menace. All the while, he’s watched over by Harrison Ford’s grizzled Colonel Graff, who sees hope in Ender and has a few tricks up his sleeve to test his extraordinary tactical skills. Along the way, we’re treated with pleasing visual effects, a terrific leading performance from Butterfield and the remarkable sight of Sir Ben Kingsley with full-on face tats.

“Ender’s Game” is never as exciting or suspenseful as it could be, but it is interesting and surprisingly thoughtful, certainly more so than is expected of this sort of teen-oriented, special effects blockbuster. In a year in which we got “The Mortal Instruments” and “The Host,” this is refreshingly mature and intelligent, boasting big ideas and following most of them through. If Lionsgate and Summit Entertainment are looking to kickstart their next big franchise, this is a solid start, though as I’m unfamiliar with Card’s book series, I’m curious as to where the story will go from here.

Rating: 7/10

Thor: The Dark World - Review

Director: Alan Taylor Writers: Christopher Yost, Christopher Markus, Stephen McFeely Studios: Marvel Studios, Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures Cast: Chris Hemsworth, Natalie Portman, Tom Hiddleston, Anthony Hopkins, Stellan Skarsgård, Idris Elba, Christopher Ecclestone Release Date (UK): 30 October 2013 Certificate: 12A Runtime: 112 min

I think it’s fair to say that phase two of Marvel’s cinematic universe of superheroes got off to a pretty triumphant start with “Iron Man 3:” spectacular, funny and exhilarating, it bettered its two predecessors, deservedly bagged over a billion dollars worldwide and in terms of pure, popcorn entertainment value, damn near gave “The Avengers” a run for its money (and given that film’s box office takings, that’s a lotta dough). Now phase two continues with “Thor: The Dark World,” the second solo outing for Chris Hemsworth’s hunky, hammer-flinging god of thunder, and while it’s not the runaway success that was Mr. Tony Stark’s third solo adventure, it contains enough fantasy action, winning humour and big, meaty surprises to help keep Marvel geeks thoroughly happy (or should that be thor-oughly happy? No, no it shouldn’t).

What’s immediately clear is that Marvel have upped the scale for this second trip through the now-repaired Bifröst portal: the opulent realm of Asgard has been greatly expanded upon, with actual civilians wandering about and the grand kingdom looking much fuller and more grandiose than last time round; we get to see more of the oft-mentioned Nine Realms, with an early visit to Vanaheim as Thor battles marauders and later a trip to the deserted (and seemingly unpronounceable) Svartalfheim, where the Dark Elves and their Kursed warriors roam; meanwhile, down on Earth, we’re treated not with the first film’s small, dusty town of Nowhere, New Mexico, but with the city of London, chock-full of recognisable monuments all ripe for destruction.

There’s more action too, which “Game of Thrones” helmer Alan Taylor handles efficiently and thankfully without “Thor” director Kenneth Branagh’s overuse of Dutch tilts, which proved nauseating in 3D. The special effects set pieces are noticeably bigger: a full-on aerial assault on Asgard by the Dark Elves is an early example, massive in scale, ridiculously overblown and allowing for Idris Elba’s gatekeeper Heimdall to kick some serious elf butt.

Even the story’s more epic, focusing not on close-knit, Shakespearian family drama but on an imminent, universe-wide apocalypse. In an exposition-heavy prologue, we are introduced to Christopher Eccleston’s vengeful Dark Elf ruler Malekith, who seeks the Aether, a weapon with the ability to turn matter into dark matter and the power to plunge our universe into infinite darkness. Unfortunately for Thor’s Earthling squeeze Jane Foster (Natalie Portman, given a bigger role here), the Aether has attached itself to her body, and Malekith and his army have come to take it back. Eccleston, unrecognisable under heavy elf make-up, gives it his all, but unfortunately his villain rings a little hollow; in spite of his deep, commanding voice, his unsightly facial features and proclamations that he is a creature of pure evil, he’s a largely unintimidating villain, too one-dimensional, posing no physical threat and wielding murky motivations.

He’s a far cry from Tom Hiddleston’s grinning, deviously wicked Loki, who here has been condemned to an eternity of imprisonment in the dungeons of Asgard for his crimes on Earth — namely trying to take over our puny planet in the climax of “The Avengers.” When Thor needs help to escape a ruined Asgard, he calls on Loki, who is more than willing to oblige. As in Branagh’s first movie, it’s the love-hate dynamic between Thor and Loki that proves this sequel’s most valuable asset, here shaken up as the two brothers work side-by-side rather than battling toe-to-toe. It’s funny: Marvel spend so much time trying to make this bigger and more epic than the first film and what it all comes down to is the same exact thing — the troubled relationship between Thor and his little adoptive brother Loki. And as always, Hiddleston’s stealing the show.

Of course, everything comes to a head in a grand, action-packed climax in which poor Greenwich gets bashed to bits and in which Thor, rather hilariously, takes a ride on the London Underground. Full of invisible, intergalactic wormholes and featuring a giant invading spaceship, it’s a spectacular, apocalyptic and surprisingly funny finale that’s just about exciting enough to make you forget about some of the film’s weaker elements — i.e. plot contrivances, the empty villain and a throwaway “end of the world” plot. Still, in its better moments, “Thor: The Dark World” is fantastic fun sure to satisfy its fanbase, and I’ll happily admit that during a certain cameo from a certain someone (I won’t say who) I *might* have squeed a little — when you see it, you’ll know. As always, stay through the end credits for a couple of neat stingers, including (spoiler alert!) a cool little tease for James Gunn’s upcoming Marvel outing “Guardians of the Galaxy.” Squee!

Rating: 7/10

Carrie - Review

Director: Kimberly Peirce Writers: Lawrence D. Cohen, Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa Studios: Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer, Screen Gems, Misher Films Stars: Chloë Grace Moretz, Judy Greer, Portia Doubleday, Alex Russell, Gabriella Wilde, Julianne Moore Release Date (UK): 29 November 2013 Certificate: 15 Runtime: 99 min

Brian De Palma’s themes of the pains of puberty and the journey into womanhood still resonate over 35 years later in Kimberly Peirce’s “Carrie,” a slicker, modern-day update of the 1976 horror classic, both adapted from Stephen King’s debut novel from 1974. Starring Chloë Grace Moretz as the titular telekinetic teen once iconically played by Sissy Spacek, it retells the tragic tale of troubled high schooler Carrie White, a social outcast who exacts bloody revenge against her teen tormentors when their bullying goes one trot too far.

Following De Palma’s original pretty much step by step, Peirce’s “Carrie” lacks the element of surprise that helped make De Palma’s movie so shocking back in ‘76: Peirce recreates the narrative of and whole scenes from the De Palma version with little variation outside of modernising the dialogue and updating the technology. But Peirce manages to squeeze out a fair bit of effective suspense from the recreated build-up, as Carrie lives under the thumb of her abusive, bible-thumping mother (Julianne Moore, hammy but scary), discovers her amazing ability to move objects with her mind and as her tormentors plot her final, fateful humiliation.

All of which is carried (geddit?) on the shoulders of 16-year-old Moretz, a supremely talented young actress who in “Kick-Ass” and “Let Me In” displayed a knack for handling roles more complex and mature than are expected for her age range. Complaints that Moretz is miscast, of which there were many when news of her casting first broke out, are unfounded: though without the gaunt, freckle-faced figure that gave the sublime Spacek a certain otherworldly quality, Moretz does a terrific job in inhabiting Carrie’s shy, introverted awkwardness, her endearing naivete, her bewilderment over and later embracing of her newfound powers and then in the film’s final movements her demonic, unbridled rage.

As for Peirce’s extravagant restaging of the infamous prom night finale, with the bucket of pig’s blood hanging ominously above the stage, it’s let down by an over-reliance on pesky CGI but still packs both an emotional and visceral punch. And Peirce smartly, teasingly side-steps that darkly comic final punchline, knowing fully well that much as you try, you just can’t top the original (unless you’re a Carpenter or Cronenberg).

Rating: 6/10

Live-Blogging the Halloween Franchise

Hi there! You might've noticed that today is Halloween. Wait, you didn't notice? How the fuck did you not notice? There's scary costumes and jack-o'-lanterns all over the place. Pay more attention to your surroundings, man. Anyway, I certainly noticed, and to celebrate, I'm going to be making my way through all of the movies in the "Halloween" franchise, right from John Carpenter's innovative 1978 slasher classic right up to the crappy 2009 sequel to the crappy 2007 Rob Zombie remake. Yay!

I'm going to be live-blogging along on this here page, so refresh later in the day for any updates from me. Throughout the day, I'll be giving an astute, well thought-out analysis of each movie's merits and faults ranking each movie out of 10 and providing commentary. I also have some fun facts lined up which I totally didn't just copy and paste from IMDb's trivia pages (I might've just copied and pasted them from IMDb's trivia pages).

10:15am - Right, so, I've got my tube of cheese and onion Pringles, I've got my movies lined up and I am totally, hopelessly unprepared for what I am about to embark upon. Let's begin.

10:20am - First up it's John Carpenter's horror masterpiece "Halloween," the film that in 1978 helped spark the slasher genre and gave birth to a terrifying icon of horror: silent, unkillable stalker-slasher Michael Myers. It's also the film that in 2001, when I was 7 years old, scared the bejesus out of me when I watched it on DVD for the first time.

10:25am - Dun-dun-dun dun-dun-dun dun dun, dun-dun-dun dun-dun-dun dun dun... Ahhhh, that famous piano riff, scored by Carpenter, as we zoom in on a smiling, flaming jack-o'-lantern.

10:26am - Here's the famous opening shot, in which we witness a brutal murder in a quiet suburban neighbourhood one Halloween night from the point of view of the killer. It looks like a single tracking shot, but actually there are three well-hidden cuts; one when Michael puts on his clown mask and the other two when he is exiting his sister's room (thanks, IMDb!).

10:27am - "Michael's around some place." Why yes, yes he is. In fact, he's looking through the window, watching you two canoodlin' on the couch (so rarely a good thing to do in a slasher movie).

10:30am - First kill: a kitchen knife repeatedly stabbing at Michael's teen sister Judith (the hand we see swinging the knife does not in fact belong to the young actor about to be seen playing Michael, it actually belongs to producer Debra Hill). And shock reveal: this psychopathic murderer is -- dun dun dun! -- just a little boy! *shocked face*

10:36am - 15 years later, Michael escapes from Smith's Grove Sanitarium, stealing the car of nurse Marion, played by Nancy Stephens, and driving off into the night. Michael's long-time psychologist Dr. Loomis, played of course by Donald Pleasence, doesn't look too happy. Here's a question: how on earth does Michael know how to drive? He's been locked up in an asylum since he was six.

10:38am - It's Jamie Lee Curtis! In her film debut! As a suburban high schooler! Called Laurie Strode! It's Halloween, and as Laurie walks to school with little Tommy Doyle, played by Brian Andrews, she drops off a key at the old abandoned Myers house, soon to be sold by Laurie's family. Inside stands Michael, who steps outside and watches as Laurie walks away.

10:40am - Michael is now wearing his iconic white, expressionless mask and boiler suit. Fun fact: Michael's mask was actually a "Star Trek" William Shatner/Captain Kirk mask but spray-painted white and with the eyebrows removed and the eyeholes reshaped. But you already knew that, didn't you?

10:42am - In class, Laurie looks out the window to see a strange masked man standing across the street, watching her. She looks again and he is gone. Creepy...

10:46am - Dr. Loomis, making his way to Michael's home town of Haddonfield, Illinois to find Michael, discovers an abandoned tow truck by some train tracks and a naked body lying in the grass nearby. Michael's killing spree has officially begun.

10:51 am - While walking home from school, Laurie, frightened by the sight of the strange masked man watching her and then disappearing behind some bushes (creeeepy), is startled when she walks right into Sheriff Brackett (Charles Cyphers). "It's Halloween, everyone's entitled to one good scare," he says. Why yes they are, sheriff! Yes they are... Mwahahaha!

10:55am - From her bedroom window, Laurie sees the masked man standing between hanging laundry in the garden, watching her. She looks again, but he has disappeared. Creeeeeeeeepy...

10:57am - Laurie's friend Annie, played by Nancy Kyes (credited as Nancy Loomis), is smoking pot. Death sentence. Laurie smokes a little too, but doesn't like it. No death sentence for her.

10:59am - Dr. Loomis arrives in Haddonfield, goes to the local cemetery and discovers that Judith Myers' headstone has been stolen from her grave. "He came home." He approaches Sheriff Brackett to warn him of Michael's return.

11:02am - Ha! Michael's watching Annie now! I told you so!

11:04am - Whoa! That jump scare in the old Myers house with the rock smashing through the window got me -- looks like it got Dr. Loomis too. I forgot about that. Well done, Mr Carpenter.

11:09am - One of the things I love about this movie is Michael's constant presence. He's always lurking in the background, watching, waiting. It's terrifying.

11:10am - Michael's killed the dog! Bastard!

11:13am - "No tricks for Annie tonight.." Oh there might be a few...

11:15am - "Lock your doors! Bolt your windows! And turn off the lights!" Listen to the TV, Annie...

11:17am - Annie drops off little Lindsey Wallace (Kyle Richards), who she's supposed to be babysitting, for Laurie to look after while she goes to pick up boyfriend Paul (voiced by none other than John Carpenter). Laurie's also babysitting little Tommy (who, after some teasing from schoolmates, is frightened of the boogeyman) at his parent's place and watching "The Thing from Another World" (which Carpenter would later remake in 1982 as "The Thing").

11:19am - Aaand Annie's dead, strangled before having her throat slashed in her car in the garage by Michael, who was hiding in the backseat. I told you: you shouldn't have smoked that pot!

11:24am - "Hey Lonnie, get your ass away from there!" Oh Dr. Loomis, you ol' prankster. Apparently, Carpenter was initially intimidated by Pleasence, being such a big fan and with Pleasence the oldest and most experienced on the set, but was surprised to find him good humoured and big hearted. Pleasence would go on to star in two other Carpenter movies: "Escape from New York" and "Prince of Darkness."

11:27am - Here come the horndogs, Lynda and Bob (P.J. Soles and John Michael Graham). And they've come to screw (and drink!).

11:30am - The horndogs are screwing. And drinking. Death sentence.

11:32am - "I'll be right back." Oh I'm suuure you will...

11:34am - Horndog #1 is down. Or rather, pinned to a wall with a knife in his chest.

11:35am - Michael stands at the bedroom doorway in front of Lynda, wearing a bed sheet and Bob's glasses. Lynda, mistaking him for Bob, exposes her breasts and asks, "See anything you like?" Apparently when this scene played in a movie theatre, actress P.J. Soles was amused to hear an audience member in the front row reply to the screen, "Hell yes I do," unaware that she was sitting right behind him.

11:36am - Aaaand Horndog #2 is down, strangled by a telephone cord as Laurie picks up the phone on the other end of the line. Once again, I told you so: you shouldn't have screwed each other (or drank).

11:41am - Concerned, Laurie puts Tommy and Lindsey to bed and wanders over to the Wallace house, where she finds...

11:44am - ...Annie, dead, lying on her bed under Judith Myers' stolen headstone, Bob's body dangling from a doorway (epic jump scare!) and Lynda's body in the wardrobe. The sinners!

11:48am - And Michael attacks! Laurie tumbles down the stairs, flees, runs out the back door. The suspense here's just awesome: Laurie screaming desperately for help, realising she doesn't have her keys, tired little Tommy looking out the window and then coming downstairs to open the door as Michael walks towards Laurie from across the street slowly but determined. And Carpenter's "dun... dun-dun!" riff helps, of course.

11:50am - Michael's in the house! Laurie sticks a knitting needle in his neck. He pulls it out, collapses. Well, that was a great movie, now onto the next...

11:53am - Fuck! Michael's awake! Run!

11:55am - Laurie hides in the bedroom closet, whimpering as Michael bursts through the door. Laurie pulls apart a clothes hanger, sticks it in his eye and stabs him in the chest with his own knife. He collapses. Well, that was a great movie, now onto the next...

11:58am - Fuck! Michael's awake! Run!

11:59am - Little Tommy and Lindsey run for help outside as Dr. Loomis walks by.

12:02pm - Michael attacks Laurie and is unmasked in the struggle -- for a mass murdering psychopath locked up in an asylum for 15 years, he's not that bad looking. Fun fact: audiences have told Carpenter over the years that they were horrified by Michael's hideously disfigured face, unaware that it was actually just the actor's real face (the poor guy). Carpenter has cited this as an example of the power of the suggestion of cinema: audiences saw Michael as a monster, so assumed he must look like a monster underneath his mask.

12:03pm - Dr. Loomis comes running up the stairs and repeatedly fires his gun at Michael. Michael falls out the window, lands on the grass outside, dead (?).

12:05pm - "Was that the boogeyman?" Laurie asks. "As a matter of fact, it was," Dr. Loomis replies. Well, I'm glad that's all over, poor Laurie was about to have a heart attack from all that...

12:06m - Fuck! Michael's gone! Run!

12:07pm - End titles.

And that right there is how you make a slasher movie: simple, suspenseful, with an endearing protagonist in Jamie Lee Curtis' virginal Laurie Strode and a terrifying boogeyman in Michael Myers. Many have copied it, none have bested it. I give John Carpenter's "Halloween"...

...10/10! Obviously.

Now here's a question: are those my hands or are those someone else's hands? Answer: those are my hands. Why would they be someone else's hands?

Anyway, onto "Halloween II."

12:15pm - The Chordettes' Mr. Sandman opens the movie. I say they should've gone with I'm Your Boogie Man by KC and the Sunshine Band, but alright.

12:17pm - Now, unlike "Halloween," I haven't actually seen this before, so I really am winging it here.

12:18pm - Ooh, a recap of the end of the first movie. That's handy. Looks like this kicks off straight after the first movie, and Dr. Loomis is adamant to find Michael before he kills again.

12:21pm - Carpenter's iconic theme tune has gotten noticeably groovier. It's all synthy now. Does Michael go disco dancing in this? I hope so.

12:25pm - Here we have a voyeuristic shot from the POV of Michael as he prowls about the outside of a house, just like the opening of the first movie, but split up with cuts to inside the house.

12:29pm - First kill: Laurie's teen neighbour Alice, played by Anne Bruner, with a knife through the throat. Interestingly, in television showings of the film, Alice is not killed.

12:32pm - Laurie, in shock from her close encounter with Michael and with a nasty cut down her arm, is taken to Haddonfield Hospital and is sedated.

12:36pm - Whoa! Holy explosion! Some poor trick-or-treater with a Michael Myers mask just got fried alive after being crushed by a speeding police cruiser. That's some unruly police work right there. Fun fact: this poor trick-or-treater is later revealed to be Ben Tramer, the boy Laurie admits to having a crush on in the first "Halloween." Looks like that ship has sailed.

12:45pm - Ha, the scary B-movie music playing from a TV while security cam footage from the hospital shows Michael walking by outside is pretty clever.

12:47pm - Michael's in the building!

12:50pm - "Amazing grace, come sit on my face. Don't make me cry, I need your pie," sings pervy paramedic ol' Budd, played by Leo Rossi. Methinks ol' Budd's gon' die (not just a pervert, he's also smoking!).

12:54pm - Afro'd paramedic Jimmy, played by Lance Guest, tells Laurie, sitting in her hospital bed, of Michael's origins. Fun fact: this is the first time Michael's full name is stated in the franchise.

1:02pm - Second kill: a claw hammer through the poor security guard's head (who was just scared by a pussycat outside, the big goof).

1:06pm - Ol' Budd just scared a nurse, played by Pamela Susan Shoop, by pretending to be a patient, grabbing her and kissing her. They're now making plans to screw in the therapy room. Yep, ol' Budd's gon' die. Probably the nurse too.

1:11pm - Ol' Budd and the nurse are now canoodlin' inside a hot tub. Michael's turning up the temperature to scalding levels. Here we go...

1:14pm - Yep. Michael strangles Budd and pushes the nurse's head down into the scalding water (which was actually freezing cold on the set and ended up giving Shoop an ear infection). Told you so: no screwing in these movies.

1:17pm - Michael's written "Samhain" on a classroom blackboard in blood. "It's a Celtic word. It means the lord of the dead, the end of summer, the festival of Samhain. October 31st," explains Dr. Loomis, who still searches for Michael. I disagree: I think Michael's looking for some dude called Sam Hain. And whoever this Sam Hain is, he'd better look out! Cos Michael's a-comin'!

1:20pm - Uh oh. Afro'd Jimmy is falling for Laurie. Death sentence.

1:22pm - Two kills! Dr. Mixter with a syringe in the eye and an orderly with a syringe in the temple. Michael's new favourite murder tool?

1:25pm - Michael goes to kill Laurie in her room, he stabs at the figure in her bed, but oh thank god! It's just a bunch of pillows. Phew. I didn't see that one coming.

1:26pm - Turns out drugged up Laurie's up and about, wandering through the hospital, frightened and alone.

1:33pm - Bahaha! Afro'd Jimmy just slipped on a nurse's blood and banged his head on the floor. Someone really oughta put a "wet floor" warning there. Fun fact: actor Lance Guest did his own stunt for this in one take.

1:37pm - Laurie's seen Michael in the hospital corridor! And now he's chasing after her!

1:42pm - Laurie's managed to get outside the hospital and is now cowering inside a car in the car park. Michael is nowhere to be seen.

1:46pm - *gasp* A shocking revelation! Laurie Strode is... Michael Myers' little sister! *Shyamalan voice* What a tweest! Upon learning this from a colleague while being forcibly driven back to the asylum, Dr. Loomis realises Laurie is Michael's target and forces the US Marshall driver at gunpoint to take him to the hospital to save her.

1:48pm - Jimmy, concussed from his embarrassing little slip-up, steps into the car Laurie is hiding in and collapses on the horn. Uh oh! That might alert Michael!

1:50pm - And there's Michael! Laurie runs screaming into the hospital, where Dr. Loomis fires at Michael. Michael collapses. Well, that was fun, now onto the next... no, I'm not gonna do that joke again. It got oooold.

1:55pm - Michael's up again. Dr. Loomis and Laurie flee through the hospital corridors. As they hide in a room, Michael bursts through the door and stabs Dr. Loomis with a scalpel (Dr. Loomis, nooooooo!). Michael walks towards the cowering Laurie, who shoots Michael in both eyes.

2:01pm - Blinded (and somehow not dead), Michael swings his scalpel at Laurie and Dr. Loomis, still alive and kicking, as they open up tanks of gas. At Dr. Loomis' request, Laurie runs out of the room before Dr. Loomis lights up his lighter, causing the whole room to explode (Dr. Loomis, nooooo! Again!).

2:05pm - Oh good god, Michael's now walking out of the fire towards Laurie, covered from head to toe in flames. This guy just won't die!

2:06pm - Ahh, now he's fallen down.

2:08pm - Laurie is driven away in an ambulance as we watch Michael's mask melting inside the flames. End credits.

So, a little unremarkable after the first "Halloween," more of the same but in a different setting and not nearly as effective. But I dunno, I kinda liked this: I like the hospital setting, I like that it takes place immediately after the events of the previous movie and also, that plot twist, which offers a different perspective to the first movie and Michael's motivations. It doesn't touch its predecessor, but it's functional enough. I give "Halloween II"...

...6/10! Now onto "Halloween III: Season of the Witch," which is an odd title for a Michael Myers movie, but I'm sure it'll make sense in the movie.

2:15pm - Boy, I sure can't wait to find out what kind of mischief Michael Myers gets up to next.

2:16pm - A man, played by Al Berry, is running on the highway towards us. Running away from Michael? Surely.

2:17pm - Oh, he's running away from a car. Michael must be driving the car.

2:19pm - The running man has just been startled by another man in a suit. The man in the suit is now strangling him. The man in the suit is not Michael.

2:20pm - The man in the suit is crushed by a car. The running man flees. Is he going to be killed by Michael? Probably.

2:22pm - Eight more days to Halloween, Halloween, eight more days to Halloween, silver shamrock...

2:30pm - The running man, called Harry, is taken to hospital, where another man in a suit comes to his room and crushes his skull. Ouch! As Dr. Challis, played by Tom Atkins, chases him, the man in the suit goes to his car, pours gasoline on himself and sets himself alight. Uhh... I wonder how Michael Myers is gonna fit into all this.

2:40pm - Two more days to Halloween, Halloween, two more days to Halloween, silver shamrock...

2:44pm - Dr. Challis, obsessed with what happened that night, and Ellie, Harry's daughter played by Stacey Nelkin, are investigating the Halloween mask company Silver Shamrock, which they suspect might have had something to do with Harry's death. They must bump into Michael when he's purchasing his new mask... yes?

2:53pm - Two more men in suits just beheaded a homeless man (who had just threatened to burn the Silver Shamrock factory down with molotov cocktails) with their bare hands. Dayum. That's some Michael Myers shit right there. Speaking of which, where the fuck is Michael?

2:55pm - Wait! Don't go round that corner! Michael's gonna be standing there!

2:56pm - Oh.

2:58pm - Ooh! Dr. Challis and Ellie just had sex! You know what that means! Michael's a-comin' for 'em!

3:05pm - ...Michael?

3:15pm - MIIICCHAAAAAEEEELLL?!?!?!

3:20pm - So, Ellie and Dr. Challis have been captured by the evil Silver Shamrock people, who are tired of them snooping on the company's evil deeds. Are... are they going to unleash Michael Myers on them...?

3:25pm- You guys, I'm starting to think Michael Myers isn't actually in this movie.

3:30pm - Okay, so, fun, very revealing fact: instead of continuing the Michael Myers storyline, producers John Carpenter and Debra Hill decided to turn the "Halloween" movies into an anthology horror franchise, starting with "Halloween III." The plan was for each movie to have its own, self-contained story centred around the Halloween season. But after "Halloween III"'s dismal box office takings and outrage from franchise fans, it was decided to ditch this plan and continue the franchise with the Michael Myers storyline. So that explains a lot.

3:40pm - Another fun fact: Joe Dante, he of "Gremlins" and "Innerspace" fame, was originally supposed to direct "Halloween III" before pulling out of the project, presumably because he realised that this whole anthology business was a stupid idea. Tommy Lee Wallace, a long-time John Carpenter collaborator who was offered to direct "Halloween II" but declined, took over.

3:53pm - So, to sum up, Ellie turned into a killer robot, a kid's head turned into a pile of snakes and scorpions while watching the Silver Shamrock commercial and despite Dr. Challis' best efforts, the evil Silver Shamrock company slaughtered the children of the world through subliminal messaging and fragments from Stone Henge hidden inside their popular Halloween masks. No Michael Myers though. Nope.

So, not a terrible movie in its own right, with an initially intriguing conspiracy plot and a pretty neat synth soundtrack, but come on, this is very silly, quite laughable and doesn't even belong to its own franchise. "Season of the Witch"? More like "Season of the Where the Fuck is Michael Myers." Heh. I give "Halloween III: Season of the Witch"...

...4/10! Now onto "Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers." I think Michael Myers might actually be in this one, but I'm not betting on it.

4:08pm - Michael! I missed you!

4:12pm - So, it's 10 years after Michael's 1978 Halloween massacre and Michael, who apparently survived his full-body burn wounds in "Halloween II" and is now in a coma, is being transferred via ambulance to a sanatorium. I'm sure this'll go swimmingly.

4:14pm - It did not go swimmingly.

4:18pm - It seems Laurie has died in a car accident (umm, I've seen "Halloween H20" and I know that ain't true) but had a daughter, Michael's 8-year-old niece Jamie Lloyd, played by Danielle Harris. Michael has learned of her existence and is coming for her.

4:22pm - Turns out Michael's already in Jamie's house and has his knife out for some kiddie carving. Run, Jamie! Run!

4:25pm - Oh. It was a dream. Heh. And I fell for it... silly me. It seems Jamie regularly suffers from nightmares about her evil uncle and has visions of him coming for her.

4:32pm - Dr. Loomis is alive! Yay! Wait, how'd he survive that massive gas explosion when he was the one holding the lighter? Slasher movie logic, I'm tellin' ya...

4:33pm - Dr. Loomis hears there was an accident during Michael's transfer and immediately storms out of the room. Ha! Dr. Loomis doth rock.

4.37pm - Dr. Loomis finds a dead body strung up at a gas station and another lying on the floor of the station's diner while travelling to Haddonfield. He finds Michael and fires at him before Michael speeds off in a tow truck and blows up the gas station, taking out the phone lines. An explosive exit.

4:40pm - Aaww, little Jamie's being bullied at school. "Jamie's an orphan!" they're chanting. Do kids really do that? What cunts.

4:37pm - Dr. Loomis is hitch-hiking into Haddonfield with a kooky, beer swigging priest. My kinda priest.

4:54pm - Reaching Haddonfield, Dr. Loomis joins forces with Sheriff Meeker, played by Beau Starr, to take Jamie to safety and hunt down Michael. They go to Jamie's house, but -- oh no -- she's not there! She's out trick-or-treating with babysitter Rachel, played by Ellie Cornell, whose friend Lindsey is, fun fact, little Lindsey from the first "Halloween" all grown up. Ain't that cool?

4:58pm - Michael just killed a power station worker by throwing him onto a live high voltage part, taking out Haddonfield's power. Shocking!

5:10pm - Thanks to Dr. Loomis' loud mouth, a bunch of local rednecks have learned of Michael's presence in the town and are now hunting him down with shotguns and pitchforks. This won't end well.

5:13pm - Fireplace sex scene!

5:16pm - Dr. Loomis, Sheriff Meeker, Jamie, Rachel, Rachel's cheating boyfriend Brady, played by Sasha Jenson, and his big-boobed lover Kelly, played by Kathleen Kinmont, barricade themselves inside the sheriff's house. I'm sure Michael will just leave them alone (especially Rachel's cheating boyfriend and his big-boobed lover).

5:27pm - Well it appears I was wrong: Rachel's cheating boyfriend and his big-boobed lover are both dead, the former from his skull being crushed (Rachel's cheating boyfriend, nooooo!) and the latter from a shotgun impaling her chest (big-boobed lover, nooooo!). Rachel and Jamie run up to the attic and climb onto the roof while Michael chases after them. Rachel falls to her death (Rachel, noooooo!) while Jamie climbs down to safety (yay!).

5:34pm - Jamie runs into Dr. Loomis, who was out looking for Michael, and the two break into the school, where Dr. Loomis is thrown through a glass door (Dr. Loomis, nooooo!) and Michael is sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher by -- gasp -- Rachel, somehow alive and with every bone in her body not broken! Hooray!

5:55pm - Jamie and Rachel speed away in the rednecks' tow truck, which Michael climbs onto before clawing at the driver's face and pulling him out of the truck. After falling onto the road, Michael gets to his feet and watches as Rachel rams him with the truck. The police arrive and fire round after round into his body, causing him to fall into a mineshaft, buried under rubble.

6:03pm - Upon getting home, sweet and innocent little Jamie, donning a clown mask and apparently possessed by Michael's spirit, repeatedly stabs her foster mother with a pair of scissors (!!!). Suffice to say, Dr. Loomis freaks the fuck out and almost blows Jamie's little head off before the sheriff stops him. End credits.

Dayum. That's one hell of an ending. And the rest of the movie was pretty good too, if only for Danielle Harris' little heroine Jamie: she's sweet, adorable and brings new energy to a franchise that really should've gone stale by this point. I give "Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers"...

...6/10! Time for "Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers."

6:20pm - Oh goody, a recap of the end of the last movie.

6:23pm - Uh oh, looks like Michael escaped burial after all. Swimming downstream, he falls unconscious and is taken in by a man living in a shack by the woods.

6:26pm - One year later, innocent little Jamie -- not so innocent anymore -- is in a children's clinic, suffering from nightmares about that time she stabbed her step mother with a pair of scissors. She's lost her voice too, having to write on a chalkboard and use sign language to communicate. And it looks like she and her uncle have more of a connection than simple family ties: it seems they share a telepathic link, their movements mirroring each other. So this is going down the "Friday the 13th Part VII" route: when in doubt, add psychic powers.

6:38pm - Michael, waking from a year-long coma and back in Haddonfield to come for Jamie, is back to his dog-killing ways again: he's just gotten rid of Rachel's dog Max. Is dog killing worse than people killing? Discuss this important issue in the comments section below!

6:44pm - Oh good god, the two bumbling police officers were just introduced with an accompanying comedy trumpet soundtrack (possible "Last House on the Left" reference?). I bet these two are the funny ones.

6:45pm - Oh, Max is fine! Phew. False alarm, people. The dog's alive.

6:50pm - Unlike Rachel: she's stabbed to death with a pair of scissors by Michael. Poor Rachel! I liked her. And not just because I saw her naked in the shower a few moments ago.

7:00pm - John Travolta wannabe Mike, Rachel's friend played by Jonathan Chapin, is killed with a rake to the head. He kinda deserved it, if only for that leather jacket.

7:05pm - Jamie regains the ability to speak (yay!) after saving Rachel's friend Tina, played by Wendy Kaplan, from Michael's grasp with her telepathic abilities while at a totally rockin' Halloween party.

7:10pm - Spitz (or is it Swallowz?), played by Matthew Walker, wears a Michael Myers mask and, for a hilarious prank, pretends to stab Samantha, played by Tamara Glynn, on the street in front of the two bumbling police officers. What a freakin' idiot! They could've shot him to death! Geez... Actually, that would've probably been a good thing.

7:14pm - In a barn, Spitz, still wearing the Michael Myers mask, silently, creepily approaches Samantha with a knife for yet another hilarious prank. Could this guy be anymore of a moron?

7:15pm - Spitz and Samantha are now having sex in the barn. This guy's got a death wish.

7:20pm - And Spitz and Samantha are -- surprise, surprise -- killed, Spitz impaled with a pitchfork and Samantha sliced with a scythe. Y'know, Spitz, you were just asking for it.

7:23pm - Yay, the two bumbling cops are dead! No more clown music!

7:26pm - Tina and Jamie flee from Michael as he pursues them through the woods in a car, which he crashes into a tree like an idiot.

7:28pm - Tina sacrificies herself to save little Jamie, who watches in horror as Michael plunges his knife into Tina's chest (Tina, noooo!). Jamie flees and is found by Dr. Loomis.

7:35pm - Jamie agrees to help Dr. Loomis lure Michael to the old Myers house, where the police wait to take him down. Jamie sits by the window of the old bedroom of Michael's sister, combing her hair as Judith did before Michael killed her in '78.

7:44pm - Michael arrives, kills a cop, refuses to listen to Dr. Loomis' attempts to reason with him (Michael don't listen to no reasonin'), slashes his belly and throws him through a railing. Michael comes bursting through the bedroom door, coming for Jamie, who flees as Michael attacks and eventually hangs a cop out the bedroom window (cop, nooooo!)

7:51pm - Jamie hides in a laundry chute, which Michael repeatedly stabs until Jamie manages to climb up into the attic (how she's not sliced to pieces I do not know). In the candlelit attic lie the bodies of Michael's victims, including Rachel's dog (fuck! The dog did die!) and a dug-up child's coffin. Jamie lies in the coffin as Michael enters the attic. As Michael raises his knife, Jamie asks Michael to remove his mask. After a pause, he does. "You're just like me," says Jamie. Noticing a tear rolling down Michael's cheek, Jamie reaches up to wipe it away, to which Michael reacts violently. Jamie flees.

7:56pm - Dr. Loomis, still alive, reappears. Using Jamie as bait, Loomis traps Michael in a heavy metal net, shoots him with a tranquiliser gun and beats him unconscious with a wooden plank. Fun fact: while filming this scene, Pleasence accidentally broke the nose of Michael's mask. The actor playing Michael, Don Shanks, later admitted in an interview that Pleasence also broke his real nose. Oops.

8:01pm - Michael is transported to the local police station, where a mysterious Man in Black, seen earlier getting off a bus in Haddonfield, causes an explosion and shoots all of the police officers dead. Jamie, sitting in a patrol car outside, walks into the station to discover -- dun dun dun! -- Michael's cell is empty. Jamie starts sobbing. End credits.

Yeah, the franchise is really feeling tired at this point: this is pretty uninspired stuff and telepathic Jamie aside, it didn't quite grab my interest. I give "Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers"...

...5/10! Now onto "Halloween 6: The Curse of Michael Myers."

8:12pm - A young woman, played by J. C. Brandy, gives birth, surrounded by cloaked cult members in a candlelit basement. The newborn baby is carried away by the Man in Black from the end of the last movie and has a strange symbol drawn on its belly in blood. Intriguing...

8:15pm - Oh, the young woman is Jamie! A kindly nurse helps her and her baby escape. Michael appears, kills the nurse and pursues Jamie and child. Jamie steals a car and flees.

8:20pm - Apparently Halloween's been banned in Haddonfield since 1989. It's like the town in "Footloose" where music is illegal, but not quite as stupid and with less dancing Kevin Bacon.

8:22pm - Holy shit, it's Paul Rudd! I know him from teh Apatow movies! And he's playing little Tommy from the first "Halloween" all grown up! Awesome!

8:23pm - Dr. Loomis is now retired, living in peace in the country. While refusing to go back to work at Smith's Grove Sanitarium as requested by former colleague Dr. Terence Wynn, played by Mitch Ryan, Loomis is startled to hear Jamie's voice on the radio, begging for his help.

8:25pm - Jamie flees once again when Michael finds her hiding at a bus station. Driven off the road, she runs into a barn where Michael impales her on a corn thresher that tears her apart (Jamie, nooooooo!). But where's the baby? It's not in the truck. It's nowhere to be found.

8:35pm - Looks like Tommy's been obsessed with Michael Myers ever since that fateful night of October 31st, 1978. He now lives in a boarding house run by the mysterious Mrs. Blankenship, played by Janice Knickrehm, across the street from the old Myers house. After finding clues as to Jamie's whereabouts when she called the radio station, Tommy finds Jamie's baby hidden in a cabinet and takes him into his care, calling him Steven (hey, that's my name!).

8:40pm - Tommy bumps into Dr. Loomis at the hospital and tells him that the Strodes, the family who adopted Laurie, are now living at the old Myers house (of all places!). I'm really starting to notice that Paul Rudd's performance in this is *awful*. His line reading is hilariously melodramatic. Though to be fair to him, the script's not helping much.

8:44pm - Dr. Loomis goes to see the Strodes to convince them to leave before Michael comes for them. The mother, Debra, played by Kim Darby, is convinced, but is beheaded in the garden by Michael (so much blood on that hanging white laundry! Those stains will never come out!)

8:45pm - Fun Fact: there exists a producer's cut of "Halloween 6" which, after bad test screenings, was never officially released but is available online in bootleg form. Containing 43 minutes of alternative footage, it has since developed a strong cult following among franchise fans.

8:50pm - So it turns out Michael has been inflicted with the Thorn curse and is killing all the remaining members of his family as part of a ritual sacrifice. Well that sure took a hell of a long time to find out. Tommy and Kara Strode, Laurie's cousin played by Marianne Hagan, also discover from Mrs. Blankenship that Danny, Kara's six-year-old son played by Devin Gardner, has been hearing voices telling him to kill and may be next in line to receive the Thorn curse.

8:55pm - Kara's abusive father, John, played by Bradford English, comes home to find bloody sheets in the washing machine and is stabbed and electrocuted to death by Michael. Shocking! Oh wait, I already used that joke. Erm, moving on...

9:20pm - The baby's gone! And the cult members are in Tommy's house! And Michael's slaughtered Kara's family! And Mrs. Blankenship was with the cult all along! And Dr. Wynn is the Man in Black! *shocked face*

9:30pm - Tommy, Kara, Dr. Loomis, Danny and baby Steven are taken to Smith's Grove, where a mysterious operation is to be performed on Steven. Michael storms into the operation and slaughters the cult members, Dr. Wynn included, realising he and his curse have been exploited for their own personal gain. I think. I dunno, I'm a little confuzzled.

9:45pm - After a hot pursuit through the sanatorium, Tommy offers baby Steven up to Michael but then injects him with corrosive chemicals and, like Dr. Loomis did in "Revenge of Michael Myers," beats him unconscious with a lead pipe. As Tommy, Kara, Danny and Steven are about to drive away in a jeep, Dr. Loomis tells them he has "a little business to attend to here." Dr. Loomis goes back into the building and his screams of pain are heard as we see Michael's mask lying on the floor (Dr. Loomis, noooooooo!). End credits.

Well that was confusing. Production problems are understandable (there were reportedly lots of re-shoots and re-edits, as well as in-fighting among the crew), but they don't excuse that confusing shambles of a plot, the palpable blandness of the thing and Paul Rudd's embarrassing lead performance (he's srsly much better in "This is 40"). Still, kudos for trying to give a fresh perspective on Michael's origin: the whole Thorn curse business was quite intriguing. I give "Halloween 6: The Curse of Michael Myers"...

...4/10! Time for "Halloween: H20: 20 Years Later," aka the best "Halloween" movie that's not "Halloween."

10:20pm - Mr. Sandman! It's the same song that opened "Halloween II." I still think they should've gone with I'm Your Boogie Man. Ah well.

10:22pm - It's lil Joseph Gordon-Levitt! He's super famous now!

10:24pm - So, nurse Marion Whittington (whose car Michael stole in his escape from Smith's Grove in the first "Halloween"), once again played by Nancy Stephens, arrives home from work to find her house has been broken into. Frightened to enter on her own, she calls the cops and sends lil Joseph Gordon-Levitt (he's super famous now!), wielding a hockey stick, to go investigate. On his search, he finds an empty medical file labelled "Laurie Strode" (!!). Startled by a loud noise, he messes up the kitchen and after finding no one inside, blames the mess on the absent intruder. Naughty.

10:26pm - Marion, feeling safe, enters but is startled when she discovers the back door mysteriously open. She runs next door and finds -- oh no -- lil Joseph Gordon-Levitt with the blade of an ice skate jammed in his face (lil Joseph Gordon-Levitt, noooo!). Michael appears and struggles with Marion. As she yells for the cops who have just arrived outside, Michael slits her throat with a kitchen knife. As the cops find Marion's body, Michael drives off into the night with Laurie's medical files. A terrific opening scene.

10:33pm - Dr. Loomis' speech about Michael's incarceration from the first "Halloween" is heard over the opening titles. This is not, however, Donald Pleasence's voice; it's sound-alike Tom Kane.

10:35pm - Laurie's back! Which means Jamie Lee Curtis is back! Yay! And she's having nightmares about Michael coming for her. And she's the headmistress of a boarding school. And her teenage son John is played by Josh Hartnett in his film debut.

10:41pm - A mother and daughter pull up their car outside a gas station to go tinkle. But uh oh, isn't that the car Michael stole parked right outside? Michael's seen passing by the cubicles, the little girl screams, the mother runs to her aid, but oh! It was just a spider. Outside, Michael steals their car and drives off into the distance. He's a-comin'!

10:55pm - Reaching Laurie's new town of Hillcrest, Michael follows her to her swanky, gated home. Laurie reprimands security guard Ronny (LL Cool J!), who has an interesting passion for writing erotica, for letting John out when she specifically told him to make sure John stayed inside (it's Halloween, and Laurie's still nervous around this time of the year). Michael drives off.

11:03pm - And here's a cameo from the legendary Janet Leigh, aka Jamie Lee Curtis' mother, aka Marion Crane in "Psycho." Her character's name is Norma (as in Norma Bates), she complains about the showers being blocked (nudge nudge) and she drives away in the same car model she drove in "Psycho," which, by the way, also has the same license plate: NFB 418, NFB being Norman F. Bates' initials. Now that is just awesome.

11:05pm - That night, a car pulls up outside Laurie's home. Ronny opens the gate to find... no one inside the car! How strange.

11:10pm - "Scream 2"'s playing on t'telly! Fun fact: at the request of Dimension Films, "Scream" screenwriter Kevin Williamson wrote a treatment for "Halloween H20" that was a heavy basis on the final film. However, the WGA deemed that Williamson did not deserve writing credit on the screenplay and as such he is only credited as an executive producer.

11:15pm - Laurie reveals to her boyfriend, fellow teacher Will, played by Adam Arkin, her true identity, much to his shock. Meanwhile, John and his friends, skipping a school trip, have a secret Halloween party in the deserted school.

11:19pm - John's friend Charlie, played by Adam Han-Byrd (young Robin Williams in Jumanji!), is found dead in the dumbwaiter with a corkscrew in his neck. Ouch! Other friend Sarah, played by Jodi Lynn O'Keefe, is then stabbed repeatedly after her leg is hideously broken on the dumbwaiter. John and his friend Molly, played by Michelle Williams, go to investigate the noise, find the bodies and understandably freak the fuck out.

11:25pm - John and Molly run outside, flee from the pursuing Michael and run through the front door of John's house. Laurie, letting them in, then comes face to face with Michael for the first time in 20 years, through the glass of the door. It's a happy family reunion!

11:30pm - So, Laurie's entered badass mode now. Ordering John and Molly to hide in a room and barricade the door, she takes out her gun and goes on the hunt for Michael.

11:32pm - Will takes Laurie's gun, shoots at Michael and then realises it's Ronny wearing Michael's mask (Ronny, noooo!). The real Michael pops up and kills Will (Will, noooooo!). Laurie gets the kids and runs out of the house with them as Michael pursues, knife in hand.

11:37pm - Laurie, John and Molly get in the car and drive up to the shut gate. Opening the gate, Laurie tells the kids to go without her while she stays behind to kill Michael. Oh hellz yeah, girl! You a certified badass!

11:40pm - Entering the house with an axe in hand, Laurie plays a game of "hiding under the table" with Michael, throws a flag at him, throws knives at him and boots him off a railing. Going down to his unconscious body, she's about to stab him when... Ronny, alive, jumps in and stops her, telling her Michael is dead. Damn it, Ronny!

11:55pm - As the coroners put Michael's body in the back of their van, Laurie takes out her gun (wat), points it at the coroners (wat!) and steals the van (WAT!). Driving to a hillside, Laurie tumbles the van down a hill and finds Michael pinned against a tree. Michael reaches his hand out, Laurie reaches hers out and then -- WHAM! -- slices his head off with her axe. End credits.

[insert "we got a badass over here" meme here] This is undoubtedly the best of the sequels: it's fresh, it's smart, it's fun, it's self-referential, it has that terrific opening scene and of course it has Jamie Lee Curtis back as the series' greatest heroine, the strong, endearing Laurie Strode. It's not perfect, with the slasher stuff a little generic (we are 7 movies in, after all) and the supporting cast not particularly strong, but for a love letter to the franchise it is pretty damn awesome. I give "Halloween H20: 20 Years Later"...

...7/10. So, it's not technically Halloween anymore (it's actually November now, holy hell), but I'm pressing on with this marathon, even if it means I have to watch this piece of crap:

12:15am - A piece of crap which, I must say though, has a pretty cool opening. Laurie discovering to her horror that the man she viciously decapitated at the end of "H20" was not Michael but was in fact one of the paramedics, her locked up in an asylum, Michael coming for her, her luring him into a trap on the roof, her checking his mask to make sure it's him, him stabbing her, her kissing his mask, saying, "I'll see you in Hell" and then falling, quite gracefully, to her death (Laurie, noooooooo!). S'good. S'a good opening.

12:25am - And it's all downhill from there. Fun fact: Jamie Lee Curtis agreed to be in the film only to make certain that her character wouldn't appear in another sequel. Funny, 'cos there weren't any sequels after this: this movie's so bad they had to reboot the whole franchise.

12:30am - So, the story is, a bunch of college kids have been picked to enter the old Myers house to take part in a Halloween horror show broadcast live on the internet (wow! Ain't technology just amazing?). Cameras are laid out around the house, where the teens (also wearing head-cams) will spend the night being scared, splitting up and searching for clues as they investigate the mystery of Michael Myers. Zoinks! Like, I sure do hope that creepy creeper Michael Myers doesn't show up, Scoob.

12:32am - Oh look, Busta Rhymes!

12:33am - Oh look, Tyra Banks!

12:34am - Oh look, Kevin from "American Pie"!

12:40am - The camera watches Tyra Banks' ass as she dances. Classy. I'm sure John Carpenter would have done the same.

12:41am - Ah, a "Peeping Tom" homage (Michael shoving a tripod leg through a cameraman's throat, as seen from the tripod's POV) while generic hip hop plays in the background. Michael Powell would be proud.

12:45am - The six teens have entered the old, dusty Myers house. "Let the danger-tainment begin," says Busta Rhymes before blowing an airhorn. In spite of its name, danger-tainment is surprisingly boring.

12:50am - Whoa! That dude in the Vincent Vega costume, played by Ryan Merriman, is playing with one of those super advanced computer thingies. This movie's so hip and down with the kids, yo. Named Myles, he watches the broadcast at a Halloween party.

12:57am - Who would watch this show? Seriously? I mean, aside from the dude in the Vincent Vega costume. The camerawork's crappy, the teens are uninteresting, nothing is happening and this is just insanely boring. The internet show too.

12:58am - Kevin from "American Pie" is killed, Michael bursting through a mirror and plunging a knife through his head (Kevin from "American Pie," nooooo!).

1:01am - Two teens have decided to screw in the basement of the Myers house (apparently forgetting their every move is being broadcast on the internet). I think Michael might have a word or two about that.

1:09am - Two different teens are now smoking from a bong (with their head-cams still on, idiots). It's like these people have never seen a "Halloween" movie before.

1:10am - Busta Rhymes enters the house dressed as Michael to scare the teens while the real Michael, unbeknownst to Mr. Rhymes, walks behind him. Believing the real Michael to be the dead cameraman, Busta Rhymes shouts at Michael, who then walks away. Uhh, Michael, couldn't you have killed Mr. Rhymes just then? Michael?

1:13am - Donna, played by Daisy McCrackin, discovers a secret tunnel behind a wall. Inside the tunnel, Michael chases after her and impales her on the sharp piece of a metal gate. Meanwhile, partygoers watching the live feed with Myles cheer and hoot, believing Donna's death to be fake. Social commentary? Nahhh.

1:15am -  Finding Busta Rhymes in the Michael costume and having discovered other "jump scare" traps, the teens realise the whole thing is a set up and are preparing to leave when Jen, played by Katee Sackhoff, is decapitated in front of everyone by the real Michael. Everybody freaks the fuck out.

1:20am - Watching the live feed, Miles guides Sara, played by Bianca Kajlich, away from Michael by messaging her online while Michael kills Jim, played by Luke Kirby, and Rudy, played by Sean Patrick Thomas, downstairs.

1:24am - Busta Rhymes, apparently a kung fu aficionado, just kung-fu kicked Michael Myers out of a two-storey window. I don't know how, but this movie exists.

1:25am - And Busta Rhymes is now dead, stabbed through the shoulder twice. Yay! Through the secret tunnel, Sara reaches the garage and finds Tyra Banks' body hanging from the ceiling (Tyra Banks, noooo!). Michael enters and Sara attacks him with a chainsaw before the garage catches fire.

1:29am - Oh for god's sake, Busta Rhymes is not dead. He just burst through the garage door and said, "Trick or treat, motherfucker." Once again, this movie exists.

1:33am - Busta Rhymes and Sara run out of the burning house as Michael, entangled in electrical wiring, burns inside. After an impassioned speech by Busta Rhymes about how Michael is a "killer shark in baggy-ass overalls," Michael's body is taken to the morgue, where his eyes, of course, burst open. End credits.

What else is there to say? Not just a massive comedown after the excellent, refreshing "Halloween H20," it's also an insultingly lousy, stupid and borderline snooze-inducing slasher movie that belongs nowhere but the bottom of a bargain bin. The opening Laurie/Michael showdown aside, it's a cheesy, thoughtless, braindead doozy and an embarrassment to the franchise. Busta Rhymes, man. BUSTA RHYMES. I give "Halloween: Resurrection"...

...2/10! And that right there is the end of the original "Halloween" franchise. Which means now it's time to delve into Rob Zombie's sick, twisted mind with his 2007 remake/reboot/re-imagining/really not that good "Halloween" (director's cut).

1:52am - "Bitch, I will crawl over there and I will skull-fuck the shit out of you!" Rob Zombie starting his "Halloween" off classy and subtle.

1:56am - "I heard they had to pump the cum from her stomach!" And getting classier!

2:00am - Malcolm McDowell's Dr. Loomis is lookin' groovy. Credit where credit's due: that's a great piece of casting right there. So, it's Halloween, and 10-year-old Michael Myers, played by the talented Daeg Faerch, has been taken to the headmaster's office after a fight in the school toilets. Michael's mother Deborah, played by Rob Zombie's wife Sheri Moon Zombie, is called in to talk about his behaviour. From Michael's rucksack, Dr. Loomis takes out a dead cat and several photographs of other mutilated animals.

2:05am - Walking home from school, Michael viciously beats his bully, ex Spy Kid Daryl Sabara, to death with a heavy branch in the woods. Yeah, I hated "Spy Kids 3D" too, man.

2:13am - That night, while his mother is out at work, Michael slits the throat of his insanely abusive father (William Forsythe), bashes his sister Judith's boyfriend (Adam Weisman) to death with a baseball bat and stabs his sister (Hanna Hall) to death with a kitchen knife. There's much more blood, much more brutality and much more tears than in Carpenter's opening scene and yet the impact just isn't the same. Shows the power of simplicity.

2:20am - Danny Trejo! As the asylum's janitor! I love Danny Trejo!

2:23am - Michael is taken to Smith's Grove, where he is initially cooperative with psychologist Dr. Loomis but over time begins to shut down, focusing his attention on making paper mache masks. As his mother leaves after one of her weekly visits, Michael kills a nurse by stabbing her in the neck with a fork. Unable to cope, Michael's mother commits suicide.

2:33am - See, what I loved about Michael Myers in Carpenter's movie was his mystery. There was no explaining him: he just was. Here, Zombie's trying to explain him and rather ironically it takes away from the character. As Dr. Loomis said countless times throughout the original franchise, Michael's not a man: he's a thing. Zombie has turned him into a human being and now he's just another bog-standard psychopath, not the boogeyman we came to know.

2:35am - 15 years later, Dr. Loomis, wishing to move on with his life, gives up on Michael, now a towering, uncommunicative hulk.

2:38am - Eugh, here comes the completely pointless rape scene. Why do the two guards take the prisoner into Michael's cell to rape her anyway? What a weird thing to do. And who the hell employed these hillbilly sickos to look after mentally disturbed prisoners?

2:42am - Danny Trejo, nooooo!

2:45am - And Michael's escaped. And here the film turns into just another generic slasher movie, rendering the opening half utterly pointless.

2:47am - Michael goes to a rest stop and steals the clothes and truck of a groovy-looking truck driver, played by Ken Foree, sitting on the toilet reading a porno mag.

2:51am - It's new Laurie, Scout Taylor-Compton, much more of a prankster and a joker than Jamie Lee Curtis' virginal character.

2:53am - Fun fact: Danielle Harris, the actress who plays Annie, also played little Jamie in "The Return of Michael Myers" and "The Revenge of Michael Myers." Okay, that is pretty cool.

2:55am - Dr. Loomis learns of Michael's escape and heads for Haddonfield to stop him. Meanwhile, having reached Haddonfield, Michael stalks Laurie and Annie from afar.

3:00am - And it's Brad Dourif as Sheriff Brackett. Did you know he's the voice of Chucky in the "Child's Play" movies? Of course you did. Also, Sid Haig, aka Captain Spaulding in Zombie's "House of 1000 Corpses" and "The Devil's Rejects," is the cemetery keeper.

3:06am - It's the horndogs again, played by Nick Mennell and Kristina Klebe! With full-body nudity this time round. Also, they're in the old Myers house this time rather than the Wallace house.

3:10am - Michael slays the horndogs, slays Laurie's parents, played by Pat Skipper and Dee Wallace, and then attacks Annie and boyfriend Paul, played by Max Van Ville, killing Paul but only injuring Annie.

3:20pm - "You're talking like we're dealing with the Antichrist!" says Sheriff Brackett. "Well maybe we are!" replies Dr. Loomis. See, that doesn't quite ring true here.

3:35pm - Discovering the body of Paul and a quivering, bloodied Annie, Laurie is chased into the Doyle house by Michael and hides in the bathroom with little Tommy, played by Skyler Gisondo, and little Lindsey, played by Jenny Gregg Stewart. After taking out a couple of cops, Michael bursts through the bathroom door and grabs Laurie.

3:40am - An interesting departure: Michael carries an unconscious Laurie to the attic of the old Myers house. As he shows her a photo of her as a baby, trying to show her that she is his little sister, she stabs him with his own knife and escapes before slipping and falling into an empty swimming pool. As Michael marches towards her, Dr. Loomis appears and fires at Michael, who falls, unconscious.

3:50pm - Laurie and Dr. Loomis go sit in Sheriff Brackett's police car. "Was that the boogeyman?" Laurie asks. "As a matter of fact, I think it was," Dr. Loomis replies. WHAM! Michael's hand comes crashing through the car window and grabs Laurie. Michael drags her kicking and screaming into the Myers house. Dr. Loomis follows and is attacked by Michael. Laurie runs off, hides and Zombie's just padding out the 2-hour runtime here, isn't he?

3:55pm - Eventually, Michael runs at Laurie, throwing both of them out of the window and onto the ground below. Laurie, on top of Michael, grabs her gun, aims it at Michael's head, pulls the trigger multiple times until she finally reaches a live round and lets out a blood-curdling scream. End credits.

I appreciate what Zombie was trying to do here in examining Michael's childhood and psyche, but this was just a misguided project: it reduces Michael to nothing more than a super-strong nutjob and honestly, there's not much to the film outside of relentless gore and high production values. A decent stab, but the knife is blunt. I give Rob Zombie's "Halloween"...

...4/10! Now onto... sigh... Rob Zombie's "Halloween II" (director's cut).

4:15am - Right. I remember buying this on DVD after kinda liking Zombie's "Halloween" remake (I was 14!) and I really fucking hated it. As in, I found it just a miserable, depressing viewing experience that I almost considered ending sometime around the midway mark. Let's see if my opinion of it has changed 4 years later.

4:20am - Laurie, covered in blood and in a state of shock, is treated at Haddonfield Hospital while Michael's body is taken away by paramedics. After the ambulance crashes into a cow on the road (!), Michael -- you'll never guess -- escapes from the ambulance and kills the one remaining paramedic. At the end of the road, he sees a most peculiar sight: his dead mother Deborah in a glowing white gown standing next to a white horse. Weird, right?

4:30am - Octavia Spencer!

4:32am - Well, Octavia Spencer didn't last very long.

4:35am - So, this whole opening's basically a condensed version of the original "Halloween II," with Laurie fleeing from Michael when he comes for her at the hospital. Except, as it turns out, this is all a dream, and Laurie's actually fine. *Shyamalan voice* What a tweest!

4:45am - Well, I say she's okay: it's two years later and she's still haunted by that night, suffering night terrors, undergoing therapy and having to take medication to calm her nerves. She now lives with Sheriff Brackett and his daughter Annie. She's also turned into a hardcore goth rocker, just like, oh I dunno, Rob Zombie.

4:53am - And in a bizarre change of character, Dr. Loomis is now a complete sell-out douchebag and a massive drama queen throwing hissy fits over promotional photos and cups of PG Tips on his book tour. What the fuck? Malcolm McDowell's performance in this is particularly laughable, his character barely recognisable from that of the previous film.

5:00am - Here comes Michael the hobo, with his big bushy beard, wandering through a field. A vision of his angelic mother tells him to kill for her. And so he does, slaughtering a bunch of hillbillies who attack him.

5:10am - Looks like Michael and Laurie have some sort of telepathic connection, like Michael and Jamie in "Revenge of Michael Myers." E.g. Michael eats some dead dog (gross!), causing Laurie to feel sick and puke into the toilet. Which is very odd, considering Zombie stated he aimed for this to be more "realistic" than its predecessor and yet, out of nowhere, he's throwing telepathic abilities at us. Yes, very realistic.

5:20am - Laurie's going nuts. Suffering horrifying nightmares and visions of killing Annie, she's out of her meds and is resorting to drink to calm herself. It ain't workin' -- she's a goddamn wreck. And, I might add, very difficult to root for: not to sound cruel but Laurie does literally nothing in this film but whine and sob and moan, and we are given pretty much no reason to care about her other than the fact that she's the protagonist. She's a far cry from Curtis' Laurie, who's endearing in her fight for survival.

5:25am - Hobo Michael arrives at a sleazy strip joint for some T&A. Also, some totally pointless, grisly slaughtering. Oh goody. This whole scene's particularly pointless, serving no purpose other than serving up some nasty gore and padding out the runtime.

5:35am - Oops. Thanks to a lil peak inside Dr. Loomis' new book, Laurie's found out about her and Michael's blood relation. Now she's sobbing in her car. Good god, Laurie, lighten up! You're *such* a misery guts.

5:42am - Dr. Loomis is on stage with Weird Al Yankovic. What the fuck?

5:46am - Fun fact: this is a terrible movie.

5:50am - Okay, actual fun fact: Zombie originally stated he would never do a sequel to "Halloween." That is, until the studio decided to make "Halloween II," at which point Zombie signed on because he didn't want someone to ruin his vision. I for one think he's done a pretty good job of that himself.

5:53am - Oh god, they're showing the Dr. Loomis / Weird Al Yankovic interview again. MAKE IT STOP.

6:00am - Laurie returns home from a rave to discover Annie butchered in the bathroom (Annie, noooo-oohhh, I don't care anymore). Michael's back! And he's come to kill Laurie (probably)! Yay!

6:10am - Fleeing from Michael, Laurie ends up in a car crash and is carried to a nearby shack by Michael. The vision of the angelic Deborah Myers talks to her, asking her to repeat the words, "I love you, mommy." (I'm gonna be honest, I have no idea what the fuck is going on here) She does, and as she does, police surround the shack while a police chopper hovers overhead. Meanwhile, while fretting about his disastrous Weird Al Yankovic interview, Dr. Loomis learns of this on the TV news and comes to help.

6:15am - Dr. Loomis arrives on the scene and enters the shack, where he finds Michael and a delusional Laurie, who believes she is being restrained by a younger Michael. Michael throws Dr. Loomis through the wall of the shack, screams "Die!" (seriously), stabs him and is shot dead by the cops. Laurie exits the shack, picks up Michael's machete and is about to stab Dr. Loomis' body when the police open fire on her. She drops, dead (?).

6:20am - Laurie sits in a blinding white asylum, looks up at the camera and smiles. In the corridor in front of her, Deborah Myers and the white horse walk towards her as a cover of Love Hurts plays. Is this the afterlife? Or is Laurie alive, locked up in an asylum? You know what? I really don't care.

Okay, I'll admit I do have some respect for Zombie trying to take the franchise in a strange new direction with the white horse and the visions of Deborah Myers, but really, this is just a pompous, incoherent, overlong mess. It's overly grim, painful to sit through and awfully, hilariously pretentious. And at two flippin' hours, it's suuuuuch a gooooddaaaamn draaaaag. But hey, you know what? At least Busta Rhymes isn't in it. I give Rob Zombie's "Halloween II"...

...3/10.

Right. So. That's it. That's the "Halloween" live-blog done. Phew. That took longer than expected (lots of real-life distractions, grrr). But I had fun. Yep. I'm exhausted. And now I must go to bed. So, goodnight! And happy Halloween! Or happy Day-After-Halloween...

P.S. Apologies for the sweaty, cock-eyed pictures of me. Leave your complaints in the email address on the right.